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Friday, November 11, 2011

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another... (WARNING!!!! language laced!)

Yeah, I feel like having a pity party. If you want to join in the "fun", be my guest. But if you feel like telling me I should be thankful and that I should feel blessed or lucky, then go the fuck on to some other page, because honestly, I'm in no mood to hear it.

For one thing, I DO count myself as being lucky AND blessed. I have been given a wonderful gift from someone I'll never have the pleasure of meeting and thanking. That hurts my heart a little, each and every single day.

And yes, I am EXTREMELY thankful to the person and their family for being HEROES and giving me something that was almost completely taken away from me for the rest of my life.

My sight. And even my entire eye.

But I also have a RIGHT to sometimes be angry. I have a right to vent. And if you don't like it, then please spare the both of us, and go on. Today is not a good day for you to try your positivity thing on me. Because right now, I don't see a "silver lining". Most of the time, I do. But today isn't your lucky day.

Nor is it mine.

You see, I very well may have scratched my cornea, thanks to (once again) my own stupidity. But it seems I was able to get it taken care of on my own.

I've been using my steroid drops religiously (for the most part) and my eye seemed to be doing A LOT better. But I did (accidentally, due to being extremely busy and thoughtless) forget to use my drops. At all. All day.

Now, my transplanted eye is giving me fits. It's not in pain. But it is red (mainly on outside side of the eye) and a bit itchy, and burning a little.

Yes, I've been careful to keep up with my drops. And it IS helping. But... I am getting a growth of concern.

So, it seems that once again, I will have to go in, when I honestly cannot afford to, and see if the R-word is back.


Yes, people, a CORNEA (tissue) transplant can and DOES reject, sometimes. If that is the case, then this will be my second bout with it in the last two years (transplant-iversary was 10/29/2011). I'm hoping against hope that in reality, it's my stupid ass allergies affecting it.

Along with my eye being a bit teary, red and itchy/burning, my nose is like a leaky faucet. And it's only happening on the left. Both the nostril and the eye on the left side of my face.

I'm just sick to death of this crap. Why? I knew that I had really no choice, but a transplant. Otherwise, it was lose the entire eyeball. And I knew I was "trading one set of problems for another". But DAMN IT!!! This has become utterly ridiculous.

It seems like EVERY fucking time shit's going good with me and my eye, something JUST HAS TO happen to cause another blow to my self-esteem and to my recovery process.

It's really getting old. And yes, sometimes, I do wish that they would have just taken the whole eye. It would have saved me a lot of trips to the doctor. It would have saved a lot of worry and fraying of my nerves. And it would have saved a lot of money that I really do NOT have for this on-going, life-long after-care.

Now, there is a (at this point, minutely) small chance, that I could be going in to rejection again. And IF I am, then we will once again try to (successfully, like last time) reverse it. BUT!.. There is always that chance, that fear, that it cannot be reversed. Which means another transplant. Another surgery I really cannot afford. Another person's death to save my sight.

How in the end, is ANY of this shit fair? If I'm rejecting and the cornea has to go, I know that I will feel like I let down my donor and their family. That they gave of themselves in vain. I failed, if indeed, I cannot save this cornea. And it will be MY fault. MY doing.

It scares me. Even when my eye IS doing really well. But it scares me even more so in times like this.


Lady Estrogen said...

Ugh, hun. That's super shitty. Vent away!!

JudiElise said...

Hey, Missy.

Sometimes, it is just about letting your friend vent, not about recycled feel-good sayings.

I hear your frustration, guilt feelings and anger. I may not be able to relate completely, but I understand.

And, no, none of it is fair!

Diana said...

You have every right to get pissed off. I'd feel the same way. I hope things get better for you.
Love Di ♥

Not a Perfect Mom said...

and my jaw officially has dropped...
although babe, if anyone could rock the eyepatch, it's you...
Very Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill

Singedwingangel said...

Ok sweetie IF and that is a BIG HUGE I AM PRAYING FOR YOU SO IT DOESN"T HAPPEN IF it rejects that is not YOUR fault. You have not failed the donor or their family, period. It is nature and you cannot let that blame eat at you. Hugs and vent away.

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