Cornea Transplant Update

Okay, first of all, thus far, it seems it is NOT rejecting. But it was getting infected, and in turn THAT could have started a graft rejection, if I waited another day or so.

But I did have the BEGINNINGS of an infection, thanks to a stitch that had popped loose from the graft. So, the doctor I had to see on Triage/emergency basis removed it just with the tweezers. I asked and SHE (who is a Retina Specialist, not cornea) said it was ONLY the popped stitch, and kept me on my OmniPred steroid drop every 4 hours, and added Vigamox antibiotic drops 4 times a day.

Well.....

I'd gone back yesterday (Monday) for a re-check with my regular doctor, the Cornea Specialist. And he found something that must have developed over the weekend, otherwise the other doctor, I'm certain would have seen it while looking at my eye on Friday.

It seems that I have developed an abscess where the stitch was loose and just "floating" there. So, now I am a self-proclaimed walking Drug Store. At least through tomorrow morning, when the decision will be made to either keep me on my drug plan, or take a knife (again) to my eyeball (same thing he said, as when he removes the stitches). Yes, he may have to lance the abscess, let it drain, and grab a culture to see exactly what kind of infection is growing.

Of course, I'm hoping and praying feverishly that the drugs all are WORKING.

What's my drug regimen, you ask? The kind where it has made it impossible to volunteer at the school at all this week.

Twice a day, Aleve (one in morning, one at nighttime, both with food).

Once a day, Doxycycline (at bedtime, no dairy/calcium at least 2 hours before taking)

EVERY (waking) hour, Vigamox drops (antibiotic to stave off rejection and bacteria).

Every 2 hours, OmniPred drops (steroid) to ward off swelling and inflammation and eye pressure problems.

Every 4 hours, Bacitracin Ointment in lower eye lid, also an anti-bacterial medication.

To say I feel like I'm on a never-ending merry-go-round is probably a horrible understatement at the moment. And I have to do this regimen AT LEAST through a part of tomorrow morning. Probably even longer if he has to cut in to the abscess.

But!!!... Yes, there is a "but". There is a so-called silver lining in all of this mess.

It seems (seeing as I haven't seen the doctor in over a year) that we BOTH got a surprise. Because the doctor on Friday claimed I still had five stitches to go, but I don't know if she was actually looking for anymore of them other than the infected one. My regular specialist (Cornea) said he saw NONE.

Either he already removed some (which he did, a total of eight altogether), the other doctor removed the one, or they even actually DISSOLVED somehow, though they aren't considered "dissoluble" by what I had always understood.

So, that is ONE less worry to have to go through anymore. And that is apparently why my vision was now pegged in that eye as being either 20/50 or 20/40 (depending on which test I took between two different eye chart tests that they give me).

We'd talked about it many times in the past (and yes, he reminded me yesterday lol) that as stiches came out, being that the graft was sewn in pretty tightly and "flattened" it, to where it 'touched' my pupil, that the cornea would round its self out, and that this is FINALLY happening..

Now it seems that it is NOT the stitches, but the cataract that I have had since about a month post-transplant, that is hindering my peripheral vision on the outer left side of the eye.

So, of course, that means I am STILL facing (at least) one last surgical procedure to remove the cataract-ridden lens, and have it replaced with an implant.

So, there's the current news from the last post, If It's Not One Thing, It's Another... (WARNING!!!! language laced!) .. At least this one isn't filled with words that would make a sailor blush and pass out. (=

If It's Not One Thing, It's Another... (WARNING!!!! language laced!)

Yeah, I feel like having a pity party. If you want to join in the "fun", be my guest. But if you feel like telling me I should be thankful and that I should feel blessed or lucky, then go the fuck on to some other page, because honestly, I'm in no mood to hear it.

For one thing, I DO count myself as being lucky AND blessed. I have been given a wonderful gift from someone I'll never have the pleasure of meeting and thanking. That hurts my heart a little, each and every single day.

And yes, I am EXTREMELY thankful to the person and their family for being HEROES and giving me something that was almost completely taken away from me for the rest of my life.

My sight. And even my entire eye.

But I also have a RIGHT to sometimes be angry. I have a right to vent. And if you don't like it, then please spare the both of us, and go on. Today is not a good day for you to try your positivity thing on me. Because right now, I don't see a "silver lining". Most of the time, I do. But today isn't your lucky day.

Nor is it mine.

You see, I very well may have scratched my cornea, thanks to (once again) my own stupidity. But it seems I was able to get it taken care of on my own.

I've been using my steroid drops religiously (for the most part) and my eye seemed to be doing A LOT better. But I did (accidentally, due to being extremely busy and thoughtless) forget to use my drops. At all. All day.

Now, my transplanted eye is giving me fits. It's not in pain. But it is red (mainly on outside side of the eye) and a bit itchy, and burning a little.

Yes, I've been careful to keep up with my drops. And it IS helping. But... I am getting a growth of concern.

So, it seems that once again, I will have to go in, when I honestly cannot afford to, and see if the R-word is back.

Rejection.

Yes, people, a CORNEA (tissue) transplant can and DOES reject, sometimes. If that is the case, then this will be my second bout with it in the last two years (transplant-iversary was 10/29/2011). I'm hoping against hope that in reality, it's my stupid ass allergies affecting it.

Along with my eye being a bit teary, red and itchy/burning, my nose is like a leaky faucet. And it's only happening on the left. Both the nostril and the eye on the left side of my face.

I'm just sick to death of this crap. Why? I knew that I had really no choice, but a transplant. Otherwise, it was lose the entire eyeball. And I knew I was "trading one set of problems for another". But DAMN IT!!! This has become utterly ridiculous.

It seems like EVERY fucking time shit's going good with me and my eye, something JUST HAS TO happen to cause another blow to my self-esteem and to my recovery process.

It's really getting old. And yes, sometimes, I do wish that they would have just taken the whole eye. It would have saved me a lot of trips to the doctor. It would have saved a lot of worry and fraying of my nerves. And it would have saved a lot of money that I really do NOT have for this on-going, life-long after-care.

Now, there is a (at this point, minutely) small chance, that I could be going in to rejection again. And IF I am, then we will once again try to (successfully, like last time) reverse it. BUT!.. There is always that chance, that fear, that it cannot be reversed. Which means another transplant. Another surgery I really cannot afford. Another person's death to save my sight.

How in the end, is ANY of this shit fair? If I'm rejecting and the cornea has to go, I know that I will feel like I let down my donor and their family. That they gave of themselves in vain. I failed, if indeed, I cannot save this cornea. And it will be MY fault. MY doing.

It scares me. Even when my eye IS doing really well. But it scares me even more so in times like this.

Blog Hopping Etiquette

Ok, I'm just going to throw this out here. And yeah, it may piss a few peeps off. But do I care? Nah! Not really. If you read me regularly and know me well enough, you know I don't sugar coat and I shoot from the hip.

I've been with Blogger for a year now. Yay me!!...*Okay, celebration over.*

And before then, I was blogging through CafeMom or MySpace. Don't look for me at either, seeing as I don't go to those anymore. Especially not to blog.

There is a new Blogger page aptly named 'For The Love Of Blogs'. So far, so good. I have now found another wonderful lady to follow. I love the title, too! She named it 'Just Hide The Dishes In The Dryer'. Believe me, there are days I wish that I could!

On Monday's, 'For The Love Of Blogs' does a Blog Hop. I'm down with that. Heck, I even posted BOTH of my blogs up on there in the hopes to get a few hits.

After commenting on my newly found blog page that I instantly liked, I was kind of taken aback. Not surprised, really. Just disappointed.

Yes, in my comment I did state something about the post that I had read. And yes, I also let the blog author know that I am now following her and that I found her on 'For The Love Of Blogs'.

But there is one thing that I did not say. Nor have I ever said it on another's page. And I will NEVER say it... "I'm following you. Please follow me back".

Excuse me? That is just tacky as hell! And I find it rude. I will NOT follow you when you come to MY page and "beg" me to follow you just to be another reader's notch in your damn blogging belt.

I will follow someone *IF* I like their content, their page set up, the subject(s) that they write about and/or that I can relate to and how well thought out that the content is in it's written form.

But if you (generally speaking) come on to *my* blog and get tacky like that, I can guarantee you 100% that I will *not* follow your page, and I WILL let you know that I will NOT and give my reason why.

I may not have that many readers/followers here or at my secondary blog, 'ParanorMel'. But I have followers that came on their own, without any begging from me. If they wish to follow my blog(s) then they will. If not, then so be it.

To beg for followers of your page is like being a lawyer that is deemed to be an "ambulance chaser" to just make a few bucks and up his name in the community some more.

Believe me. That lawyer's name WILL be better known. But for the wrong reasons.

And here I thought KIDS were bad.

Apparently, in most cases, the PARENTS seemingly are no better. And you wonder why I have a MAJOR beef with "fanatical" right-wing Christians and organized religion.

Over on my BFF, Angel's blog she posted a Vlog in regards to a fellow blogger, and one of her bloggy friends, who's son was bullied. To read that post, please feel free to CLICK HERE.

The reason so many of us are up in arms, is due to the fact, that the person in the second link had their SON dressing up as "Daphne" from "Scooby Doo". She made sure several times before ordering that indeed that is what her 5-YEAR-OLD son wanted to be. And he was quite adamant mind you, seeing as his BFF (a GIRL) was dressing as Scooby and wanted to pair up.

Now mind you, this all had taken place in a CHRISTIAN Preschool setting. Where they are taught Pre-Kindergarten concepts and that Jesus says we are to love one another no matter what and to treat others like how we wish to be treated. With love and respect.

Now, if you know me AT ALL, you know for a fact, I'm not one to post Biblical verses. I am a Christian, but not a Bible wielding one that will thump you over the head with the Good Book like bonking you with a ball bat. But just for today, I feel like quoting some Scripture.

Scripture text is derived by the Bible Gateway Site...

Matthew 22:37-40 (New International Version)

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

In other words, if YOU wish to NOT be torn down and demand to be accepted and respected, you damn well better be willing to reciprocate in return.

Wow! The verses I found for you HYPOCRITE Christians out there!! Ready?

Psalm 26:4 (New International Version)-4 "I do not sit with the deceitful, nor do I associate with hypocrites."

Matthew 7:5-"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."

Matthew 23:13-[Seven Woes on the Teachers of the Law and the Pharisees ] “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to."

Who can claim the name "Christian" when they are hypocrites to the tenth degree? And against a CHILD no less. Who has ANY right to judge another being? For ANY reason due to being different and "out of the box" where the "normalcy of society" is of any concern? Not myself. Not you. Not anyone. I should only judge my own misdeeds, and the misdeeds of my children. But all others should be left to the Lord God Almighty to judge for Himself. For HE is the ONLY true Judge of any one of us.

Luke 6:37-“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

As a child, and for the majority of it, I was judged and ridiculed. By both children and adults alike. Of course, I felt that it was both parties' faults. It wasn't until later in years, say in my teens, that I had come to an eye-opening conclusion. I should NEVER have blamed the children. But the parents that had raised them.

Children are NOT born to hate and ridicule others in the world. They were TAUGHT to do so. By example and the leading of their parents. I remember COUNTLESS times where I had walked in the door from school, sullen, sometimes tears streaming down my cheeks and being quiet and reserved. All because again, I was picked on for looking different from the other children. And many of them that did this to me were fellow members of our church that I had attended as a child.

My parents had the cops called on them due to the fact that they parked in a Handicapped Zone LEGALLY. But to the old lady, I didn't "look handicapped enough" to need such a spot.

My father almost got in to a fist brawl in a grocery store checkout lane thanks to some idiot ADULT stating that "if I had a kid that LOOKED like that, I wouldn't let it out the house" (thanks to the trache, tubes and monitor wires I required to be hooked up to for day trips from the hospital).

How in the hell can ADULTS, let alone human beings, be so damned cruel? Especially towards CHILDREN? It's so beyond my comprehension, it scares me.

So, this poor mother and her child had to endure horrid comments about HIS choice of costume for this past Halloween. And she got it for "letting him wear THAT". So obviously (and quite sadly) those "mothers" pegged the kid as being Gay. So what, if he is?? He is OBVIOUSLY quite comfortable in his own skin. His mother is proud of him for being HIMSELF. Not some "image" of what or who OTHERS "think" he should "be like".

Parents and people in general such as these "Christian" hypocrites outright DISGUST me. Yep, I said it! They D-I-S-G-U-S-T me. They are a very small fraction of the type of people that just chap my hide. They are two-faced, corners-of-the-mouth speaking snakes in my eyes.

So remember everyone, do *not* blame the children who speak ill of others, for they know not fully what they are doing is wrong. Blame their parents and any other adult-centered influences within their lives. Because it's the ADULTS that are "bringing up" these children to be, act and think how they are doing so. All we can do as REAL Christians is love them and gently correct them and the errors of their words and/or ways.

For the children we are bringing up today will be our future that will bring up tomorrow.

Friendship 101.... The right way and the wrong way to DROP a friend.

Friendships. I take them seriously. Never with a "grain of salt". I've personally been known to cry with someone. I'll laugh with them. I will rejoice with them. I will be an ear for them, as well as a shoulder to cry on.

For friends that are here in my life for real, as well as for my "internet family" of friends. There are REAL people on the other side of this computer screen.

People with REAL feelings. Real emotions. Real hearts. And all of those can be easily shattered when you are not thinking of the REAL person on the other side.

I've had it happen to me all too many times. People saying hateful things, either to me or to friends/family. Judging my character, my choices, my parenting styles.

They might just be words to those that spew them. Or actions (even REACTIONS). But to the one that they are being aimed at, it can wound them. Deeply. On many levels.

Case in point...

There is a person I have "known" via the internet for a few years now. We hit it off pretty instantaneously. I've never judged the person for how they live their life and "run" the family. And this person afforded me the same courtesy. All was good. At least I thought it was.

Now, I guess that the "magic" in the friendship is gone. And it's apparently gone with a number of us. Because just like that, this person that I have been friends with, "dumped" me, along with some of my other wonderful friends that we (at one time) shared.

No explanation. No warning. No rhyme or reason. The person started deleting and BLOCKING people. None of us can figure out why. We don't know, nor can we think of ANYTHING that we did to offend or hurt this person (supposedly).

Must be nice to be able to just throw years of friendship and love away as if it NEVER meant a thing...Especially since it was "only" an 'internet friend'. Would this person have done this to us if it was on a more personal, face-to-face level? Maybe. Maybe not. At least face-to-face, we have a better chance of knowing what we "did wrong".

Friends come and go out of our lives. It's just a fact of life. And that's okay with me. But there is a 'right' way, as well as a 'wrong' way to do so. Especially if this 'friendship' has spanned OVER  a year's time.

Several of us are hurt and bewildered. We wish to know WHAT WE DID/SAID and try to rectify the situation. If the person wishes to no longer have friendship with us, we are okay. But we as a group that have been tossed to the wayside (at least that's how we feel) and feel that we are at the very least owed an explanation for the sudden change of heart.

But hey, you can lead a horse to water. But you certainly can't force it to drink. Am I not right? If they feel that jilted by us, even though we have never shown anything but love, acceptance and respect for them, then that's on them. I don't have to live with the guilt of how I treated three people that were nothing but kind and loving. At least I would have GIVEN AN EXPLANATION as to why I am "giving them the boot".

Like they say, what goes around that you send out, will come back and bite you ten times harder.

Looking Up! (Update re: Cornea/Eye Appointment today)

Well, for the first time since my initial Corneal Transplant Surgery, something has finally gone RIGHT!

After looking at the eye and getting a good peek in to the back of it (for the first time), I got the all clear. My rejection REVERSED!!!!

For three tedious and daunting weeks, my Pred-Forte and I once again became closer friends than I care to admit to. Now I'm back down to four times a day on that, my Doxycycline (oral) medicine twice a day, and my lubricant drops as needed (usually no more than three times in a day).

What an improvement in just three weeks! And even better news?....

Even though he couldn't do it this time, being that I am just now getting out of rejection, I'm looking forward to finally getting SOME of the 15 stitches removed at next month's visit. He said that it's chancing it now to start removal. But when he does, it will be between 3 and 5 of them getting cut out.

If you are interested in this topic, please feel free to leave me QUESTIONS HERE in the comments area. I will try my best to answer them or at least find the info and their locations and work it all in to a separate post on the topic of Corneal Transplantation.

With my stitches loosening, it is now making the Cornea round like it should be, not flat like a table top. My peripheral vision is now back, thanks to the Cornea not being so tight against my pupil. The biggest nuisance now is the fact that my upper eyelid "sticks" to my eyeball. When it tries to "peel off", the air that got trapped releases and my eye "pops". It doesn't hurt. Just feels REALLY weird.

But at least now I can look UP! 

It's Test Time For Me Today (Transplanted Problems)

Today is a test of faith, of self-perseverance, self-reflection and of courage. For me anyways.

In the last three weeks, I have been having to fight off rejection from my graft. The doctor had noticed a VERY early stage of it during the last appointment.

If the eye is still trying to give my Cornea the boot, then the BEST-case scenario is that I have to keep up the tedious task of dropping Pred-Forte in my eye several times (again) during the day. From the time I wake, until I go to bed.

WORST-case scenario? Honestly, I really don't think that I am even remotely to that point. But it would be to go and have another Transplant surgery done with a new donated Cornea.

With that all said, I am going to be bringing my "Transplant posts" back to my main blog (here at 'The (Not Always) Happy Homemaker Diary'). The blog for the Transplant Community isn't really getting any hits. So, I figured that this would be the best decision.

Sure, not everyone cares to know about the ins and outs of being a Donor, Donor Family, or a Recipient. But there are also many that do. So, being that my main blog (HERE!) gets the most "action", I will just keep those that are interested and/or following my progress (or lack thereof) updated on this page.

So, please know that I will update with the latest news as soon as I can. My appointment isn't until late this afternoon. Until then....