With all that is going on lately, I think it's finally time to sit here and indeed...
Between an "extended" winter break this year for the schools, my kids fighting because of 'cabin' fever, my son having problems as of late, I am shocked that I'm not in the Psych Ward having meds fed to me three times a day.
If you want a better picture of what is happening with my son, then I suggest that you READ THIS.
As for the longer winter break, we are this year (and hopefull JUST this year) on the college schedule as to help with the budgeting, heating costs and other "costs".
But the biggest thing on my plate is the fact that my husband's grandfather has taken a turn for the worse and there is indeed no going back. I'd written about him a good while back, when we thought that the end was imminent. Of course, once more, Big Papa fooled us all. And even then, I shared my fears of when it's REALLY time. But this time, it's different.
Now, Big Papa is in the beginning of Kidney Failure. And he has flat out refused Dialysis. So, no amount of fluid intake will reverse it and once one organ starts the shut-down process, it's not long before other major organs follow.
We'd taken Hayley (who's the oldest at eleven, and knows fully of what's going on) with us to see Papa yesterday. She sat there and answered a couple of questions. As soon as he complimented her on how beautiful she's become as a young lady, she got up and left the room as to not let Big Papa see her cry.
After seeing she was right outside the door, I made the excuse that I wanted the guys (Scott and his granddad) to have some time alone. Which was true to an extent, but more to check on my kid.
I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point. Mainly with Scott and Hayley, who will be most affected by the loss when Big Papa indeed does finally pass.
Scott's had this man in his life for almost 40 years. Hayley's known him for most of her eleven years. And she knows it's not everyday a kid can say I KNOW my GREAT-Grandparents.
I've got a responsibility ahead of me. One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. One to be there for my kids, who will at different levels be grieving.
And I've got to be there to "hold up" my husband when this all goes down, knowing he will be taking this loss extremely hard. And knowing he is one of the pallbearers is of no consolidation to me, either.
All the while, I'll be having to deal with my own grief. So, knowing myself, I'll do my best (and more than likely succeed) to hold it all together and keep it all internalized until the primary portion of the storm passes by.
I've always been of the mind set that if I fall apart when everyone else is that's around me, then no one will be of use to anyone. It's kind of like "the blind leading the blind" in other words.
So, deep down, I know what's headed for me, for my family, and for the family as a whole when all is said and done. But I'm scared that when push comes to shove, I won't be who or what I need to be when the need arises.
It's a copy of her 'note' post over on FaceBook, in her words. But I did space it out. Yes, I do (as a Christian) agree with EVERY single word she writes.
....
“Jesus is the reason for the season.”
We've all heard this saying once or twice during the holidays. But did those who repeat these ever stop to think that maybe He's not? Fact is, Christmas is based on Pagan holidays. The Christians of the time didn't like all these Pagans running around having a peaceful mid-winter holiday with their trees and lights and presents and decided to ninja it. Yes, we should all be very proud of our ninja ancestors. :) We can't keep Christ in Christmas because He was never there. Because of all the confusion getting caught up in Christians insisting He was born in December, we can't even really be sure when He was born! Whether you think it's during the spring or in the autumn, most biblical scholars will agree that it was not in December. Shepherds in the fields in December? They'd freeze to death!
If you really think about it, what do pine trees and bright lights have to do with the birth of our Savior? Um nothing? Jesus didn't command us to do any of those things at the time of His birth. Come to think of it, He really didn't tell us to celebrate His birth at all! It seems to me that those who are most upset about people saying Happy Holidays or calling a tree a holiday tree are the ones who insist that Jesus was born on Dec. 25th and they're also the ones who will insist that there's nothing wrong with their kids believing in Santa Claus. I have no personal beef with those who have Santa as part of their holiday. I have problems with people insisting it's a Christian holiday and refuse to see it as anything else AND including Santa. One does not add up to the other.
Now for my family personally, we don't do Santa and never have. That's our personal family belief. We do happen to celebrate Dec. 25th as Jesus birthday just because we don't honestly know when it is and we should celebrate Him EVERY day! No matter what day He was born on, He was born and died on the cross for us and that's good enough for me. That's why I can display my tree and my lights and eat candy canes and drink eggnog. So if you're a Christian and you're getting upset about people saying Happy Holidays, where does Santa come into play exactly? Last time I checked, Santa had nothing to do with the story. And I've read the story quite a bit. Santa's not mentioned in there.
I honestly don't give a crap if someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Hannukah or whatever else. Which is why I usually end up writing ChrismaHannaKwanzaaSolistice. I think there are more holidays than that but I can never remember them all. At least they're not saying “Hey go hump a log buddy”. I'll take a happy whatever I can get! I say Merry Christmas because that's what I celebrate. If you don't celebrate that, be sure to tell me and I'll wish you a happy whatever you celebrate. It honestly does not matter. If someone is wishing you health and happiness, does it really matter which words they use? Before you go getting all upset that you don't see more nativity scenes, try putting one up in your own yard/house. If you're so upset about someone calling it a holiday tree, stop celebrating a Pagan holiday. It's a TREE. Jesus made all trees so they're all important. Your whole life is not going to be ruined because someone wishes you a happy holiday. I promise!
Most people I know, whether Christian, Atheist, Pagan, Agnostic or whatever, honestly don't mind if you say Merry Christmas. They might say Happy Holidays back or they might just smile and think you're a weirdo. But most don't mind it, because that's what a lot of people celebrate. If you're not sure, just say Happy Holidays cuz there are a lot of them this time of year. Or you can just wish someone a nice day. Either way, it's a nice gesture. If someone makes a smart remark, just smile at them and go on about your day. Unfortunately there are some quite militant Atheists and Christians alike but I don't know them because I'd never be friends with them. :)
Instead of getting hung up on wording and slogans, why we don't try to act more Christlike? Instead of getting upset at someone, give them a smile and buy them a hot drink. It's pretty dang cold around here and I know I appreciate a hot drink when I'm freezing. Don't you think that would Jesus happier than seeing His children fight, no matter what holiday? If you're going to insist on celebrating Jesus' birth, why not be a light for Him instead of being a jerk in His name? I'm pretty sure He's not okay with people being jerks in His name. Hand out cookies to your neighbors, go Christmas caroling, give to Sub For Santa/Toys For Tots. Do something instead of just complaining.
Jesus is the reason for EVERY season, not just this one. So lighten up! And happy whatever the heck you celebrate!
Here's the replies I had made as I read the post in it's originality over on FaceBook...
OH HECK YEAH!!.... "We can't keep Christ in Christmas because He was never there. Because of all the confusion getting caught up in Christians insisting He was born in December, we can't even really be sure when He was born!"
Another OH SNAP MOMENT!!... "Jesus didn't command us to do any of those things at the time of His birth. Come to think of it, He really didn't tell us to celebrate His birth at all! It seems to me that those who are most upset about people saying Happy Holidays or calling a tree a holiday tree are the ones who insist that Jesus was born on Dec. 25th..."
BAM!!!! "Most people I know, whether Christian, Atheist, Pagan, Agnostic or whatever, honestly don't mind if you say Merry Christmas. They might say Happy Holidays back or they might just smile and think you're a weirdo. But most don't mind it, because that's what a lot of people celebrate. If you're not sure, just say Happy Holidays cuz there are a lot of them this time of year. Or you can just wish someone a nice day. "
Words. They are probably the most powerful tool that we possess as human beings. They can be used to encourage, relate with and help in the healing process. They can also cut like a knife, aggravate and maim another to their very core.
Some words, while spelled the same, can have two very differential meanings. Take the word "ship". One is a boat that floats on the water, carrying people abroad from one piece of land to another. The other "ship" means to carry items from one location to another for people through a mailing service.
But the word that we will be focusing on that has become ever so quite popular to use in various context is "retard/retarded".
1.characterized by retardation: a retarded child.
–noun
2.( used with a plural verb ) mentally retarded persons collectively (usually prec. by the ): new schools for the retarded.
Origin:
1800–10; retard + -ed2
—Related forms
non·re·tard·ed, adjective
un·re·tard·ed, adjective
—Synonyms
backward, disabled, handicapped.
"re·tard"
[ri-tahrd, for 1–3, 5; ree-tahrd for 4]
–verb (used with object)
1.to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
–verb (used without object)
2.to be delayed.
–noun
3.a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.
4.Slang: Disparaging .
a.a mentally retarded person.
b.a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard.
5.Automotive, Machinery . an adjustment made in the setting of the distributor of an internal-combustion engine so that the spark for ignition in each cylinder is generated later in the cycle.
[End of definitions]
Now, in all the years that I have gone with my father, my husband or on my own to the Mechanic to get my vehicle checked have I ever heard the word "retarded" come out of their mouths to describe the setting of my car's distributor.
I have though, heard of those with mentally debilitating handicaps being referred to as being "retarded" or being a "retard". Both by the medical community, and through society's "common man". And honestly, I literally cringe when I hear those words. No matter their context.
My daughter has a friend who's younger sister is severely handicapped. She cannot walk. She cannot talk. She cannot eat normally like you and I do. But she is sharp. She can bounce around her home with ease upon her knees. She can speak through a "voice box" communications computer, or uses sign language. And she must eat through a bottle, seeing as her "food" has to be in almost a completely liquid consistency.
She has Cerebral Palsy. She is what people would call "retarded". But after you see all that she CAN do, she can place most of us "normal" people to shame. My children play with her at school and within their home. She and I have fun talking and she is ALWAYS giving me hugs and when she sees me in passing at school, the biggest smile comes to her face and she is about to bounce out of her wheelchair to get to me and wants to high-five me.
My biggest pet peeve though, with the words "retard" and "retarded" is when they are used in a non-medical, derogatory manner. Saying to someone, "You are such a retard!" is not only insulting towards the person you are referring to, but to those that REALLY DO have mentally challenging handicaps.
And when you say, "That's retarded.", you are insinuating that something is "slow, stupid, obtuse or ineffective". But listen to yourself as you say it. It's on the same level as stating "That is so gay!". So something is having a relationship with it's own kind? That made no sense. And it insults those in your community that ARE in fact, Gay.
How would people like to hear something along the lines of "It's so nigger."? Sounds great, doesn't it? *insert eye roll here*
Or how about "Stop being such a Jew!"?
My son has several mental disorders that have in the end, deemed him disabled by the state and by the Federal Government. He is NOT stupid, slow, defective, a socially inept being, or a hindrance. He is my son, who is bright-minded with some quirks. He is disabled emotionally, socially, maturely and mentally (to an extent).
What are his disorders, you ask (for those that are new to my blog, or just don't know)? He has ADHD, OCD, ODD, Mood Disorder (basically, he has Bipolar, but due to age, is Dx'd with the Mood Disorder until later in age), and Asperger's Syndrome 'tendencies' (he does not have full-blown Asperger's, but is borderline).
He can be violent, abusive and easily short tempered. He cannot handle change well (especially sudden or massive changes at one time). He has Manic-type mood swings with outward evidences of 'highs' and 'lows' (extreme hyperness or extreme sadness) at any given moment of each day.
But on the flip side, my child is one of the most loving, caring, affectionate, brightest children you would ever meet. With even his bad days, it's hard to NOT love him or want to do your best by him. No matter the cost.
The one thing my son is *NOT* is "retarded". By ANY meaning of the word. I certainly would NEVER let a medical professional refer to him as being such, let alone anyone within "general society". He is handicapped or "challenged". Nothing more. Nothing less.
So, before you (generalizing the word 'you', not pointing fingers to any specific person) go and state that someone is a "retard" for any reason, or say that something is "retarded", think BEFORE you speak those words from your lips. Because once you say them, you can NEVER take them back.
Even those within the medical community have started the change from using the words "retard" and "retarded", seeing the hurt and anguish those two 'simple' words bring to those that ARE affected by mental and physical disabilities, as well as their families and friends.
That alone should tell you something. That wording and context are EVERYTHING. So yes, while sticks and stones may break bones, names (and misuse of words) *CAN* hurt. Especially those that know of someone, or they themselves are personally affected with being handicapped.
Please if you wish to help stop the spreading of the "R-Word" in it's wrong verbiage, join me at...
I have taken the pledge. Will you?
Also, while I am NO fan of severe Right-Wing Conservatism, nor am I NOWHERE near a 'fan' of Sarah Palin, I WILL agree with her anger and I WILL side with Palin in regards to Rush Limbaugh's uses of "retard" and "retarded". Even as he referred to those that REALLY ARE cognitively and developmentally disabled persons.
Apparently, in most cases, the PARENTS seemingly are no better. And you wonder why I have a MAJOR beef with "fanatical" right-wing Christians and organized religion.
Over on my BFF, Angel's blog she posted a Vlog in regards to a fellow blogger, and one of her bloggy friends, who's son was bullied. To read that post, please feel free to CLICK HERE.
The reason so many of us are up in arms, is due to the fact, that the person in the second link had their SON dressing up as "Daphne" from "Scooby Doo". She made sure several times before ordering that indeed that is what her 5-YEAR-OLD son wanted to be. And he was quite adamant mind you, seeing as his BFF (a GIRL) was dressing as Scooby and wanted to pair up.
Now mind you, this all had taken place in a CHRISTIAN Preschool setting. Where they are taught Pre-Kindergarten concepts and that Jesus says we are to love one another no matter what and to treat others like how we wish to be treated. With love and respect.
Now, if you know me AT ALL, you know for a fact, I'm not one to post Biblical verses. I am a Christian, but not a Bible wielding one that will thump you over the head with the Good Book like bonking you with a ball bat. But just for today, I feel like quoting some Scripture.
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
In other words, if YOU wish to NOT be torn down and demand to be accepted and respected, you damn well better be willing to reciprocate in return.
Wow! The verses I found for you HYPOCRITE Christians out there!! Ready?
Psalm 26:4 (New International Version)-4 "I do not sit with the deceitful, nor do I associate with hypocrites."
Matthew 7:5-"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye."
Matthew 23:13-[Seven Woes on the Teachers of the Law and the Pharisees ] “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to."
Who can claim the name "Christian" when they are hypocrites to the tenth degree? And against a CHILD no less. Who has ANY right to judge another being? For ANY reason due to being different and "out of the box" where the "normalcy of society" is of any concern? Not myself. Not you. Not anyone. I should only judge my own misdeeds, and the misdeeds of my children. But all others should be left to the Lord God Almighty to judge for Himself. For HE is the ONLY true Judge of any one of us.
Luke 6:37-“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."
As a child, and for the majority of it, I was judged and ridiculed. By both children and adults alike. Of course, I felt that it was both parties' faults. It wasn't until later in years, say in my teens, that I had come to an eye-opening conclusion. I should NEVER have blamed the children. But the parents that had raised them.
Children are NOT born to hate and ridicule others in the world. They were TAUGHT to do so. By example and the leading of their parents. I remember COUNTLESS times where I had walked in the door from school, sullen, sometimes tears streaming down my cheeks and being quiet and reserved. All because again, I was picked on for looking different from the other children. And many of them that did this to me were fellow members of our church that I had attended as a child.
My parents had the cops called on them due to the fact that they parked in a Handicapped Zone LEGALLY. But to the old lady, I didn't "look handicapped enough" to need such a spot.
My father almost got in to a fist brawl in a grocery store checkout lane thanks to some idiot ADULT stating that "if I had a kid that LOOKED like that, I wouldn't let it out the house" (thanks to the trache, tubes and monitor wires I required to be hooked up to for day trips from the hospital).
How in the hell can ADULTS, let alone human beings, be so damned cruel? Especially towards CHILDREN? It's so beyond my comprehension, it scares me.
So, this poor mother and her child had to endure horrid comments about HIS choice of costume for this past Halloween. And she got it for "letting him wear THAT". So obviously (and quite sadly) those "mothers" pegged the kid as being Gay. So what, if he is?? He is OBVIOUSLY quite comfortable in his own skin. His mother is proud of him for being HIMSELF. Not some "image" of what or who OTHERS "think" he should "be like".
Parents and people in general such as these "Christian" hypocrites outright DISGUST me. Yep, I said it! They D-I-S-G-U-S-T me. They are a very small fraction of the type of people that just chap my hide. They are two-faced, corners-of-the-mouth speaking snakes in my eyes.
So remember everyone, do *not* blame the children who speak ill of others, for they know not fully what they are doing is wrong. Blame their parents and any other adult-centered influences within their lives. Because it's the ADULTS that are "bringing up" these children to be, act and think how they are doing so. All we can do as REAL Christians is love them and gently correct them and the errors of their words and/or ways.
For the children we are bringing up today will be our future that will bring up tomorrow.
It's been a strange start to the week. Monday wasn't too bad as far as Monday's go. Tuesday was Election Day for Mid-Terms. I even voted for Tazmanian Devil to get City Court Clerk. Instead some idiot I have no clue about got the spot. I think Taz would have done a fine job myself. And last night was also the monthly appointment for Bryce, my Special Needs child.
It's becoming increasingly apparent that the medications that he is on for the ADHD are helping. But not to the extent that we would care to see. He is on the maximum dose of Vyvanse. And we are upping his Intuniv to three mgs. to see if that may help a bit more.
But also, the teachers MUST be willing to work more with him. And with us. In a COMPLETE team effort. They have yet to realize that NOT EVERYTHING he does is within HIS control. A lot of it has to do with the ADHD and its severity taking control and causing him to wander, be completely distracted, blurting out, cutting in to conversations or instruction. He even said one of the teachers mainly lectures for the entire time, every single day. An ADHD kid CANNOT handle more than five to ten minute increments of "lecturing".
These people are expecting him to pull off the impossible. To stay on task, focus completely and listen 100% of the time, during the entire day. While us "normal" people CAN do that, a child with severe ADHD cannot. They do not have the control over their brains to obtain such feats.
Even the doctor had agreed with me when I stated that basically my child is in a constant daydream. His brain NEVER slows down enough to tackle one specific thing at a time. His mind is a jumbled mess twenty-four hours a day, unless people are willing to re-direct him, work with him and help ensure that he is keeping on track with the task at hand.
For the last several years, myself and Bryce's Case Manager have hit one stumbling block after another. Even though Bryce is listed BY THE STATE, as well as by FEDERAL GOVERNMENT (seeing as he DOES collect SSDI) as being "disabled", my child has been turned down time and time again for in-school services. This means he cannot get an IEP, a 504 Plan, most accommodations. Why? Because he is SO damn smart and "making the grade", that his disability isn't "showing" enough through his grades to "mandate needs" for Specialized Services through the school system.
Excuse me??? So in a nut shell, they are stating that being my child does not have a severe intellectual impediment, he isn't deaf or blind, can walk and talk just like any other "normal" person, that he does NOT qualify for a damn thing, seeing as he DOES have behavioral issues that severely impact social skills and daily living skills. Just getting him to do a five minute task can take easily twenty minutes or more.
At school, about three weeks ago, he was SUPPOSED TO go to the bathroom that sits kitty-corner from the classroom. But about ten minutes later, he was found to be down the hall at the Second Grade area, just standing there, watching in to one of the classrooms. And he honestly cannot say why, or how he "got there".
He is ALWAYS "forgetting" his FINISHED homework. No matter how much I have tried, the boy is incessantly disorganized with his binder.
All he does is get in to trouble in school for wandering the room, not staying on task, speaking out of turn, bugging the other students in class, not following (multiple) directions (which is EXTREMELY hard for Bryce to accomplish), wandering the halls and being a "behavioral nuisance".
Now, someone PLEASE DO tell me, how are these "problems" that the teachers are always complaining of NOT being addressed in their correct manner? As in, with Specialized Services being readily available and in use with and for my child? How bad does it honestly have to get with his behavior and "daydreaming" for them to FINALLY take a hard look and actually GIVE HIM the services Bryce is RIGHTFULLY due?
Honestly, sometimes Public Education amazes me. And *not* in a good way, mind you. So, if I seem angry in this post, and in general, you can bet your ass I am! I'm tired of the run-arounds, the blind-eyes and the refusal to HELP my child live up to his full potential and get the best educational opportunity available.
I'm a fan of many upon many "Like" pages. In fact, almost (now) 650 of them. Yeah, I like A LOT of different things. I'm pretty well-rounded, to say the least.
One thing that I am *not* is racist. I love people and am friends with (or have family members of) all different colors and ethnic backgrounds. Primarily Black Americans.
Over on FaceBook, under the "Discover More Pages" link in your "Other Pages" of your Info Tab, they have various other "Like" Pages to choose from. And believe me when I say EVERYTHING under the sun that you can think of is in that section.
What I am about to say, may slightly offend some people. Then again, maybe it will open some eyes. I'm not looking to make friends with this post.
To me, as a white person, I find THAT page hypocritical. As well as in all honesty, to me, offensive.
That to me, is Reverse Racism. Why? Because, if it were "I ♥ Being Black (Latino, Hispanic, Chinese, Japanese, ect), it is considered acceptable. If there was one aptly named "I ♥ Being *WHITE*" then someone is going to cry foul and call the page and it's members racists for having "white pride".
How is it fair to us Caucasian people to be penned as racists and "(insert race here) haters" for stating that we love our skin color, but ANY other race can do so, and not have one eye batted at them for doing such?
And don't think for a minute that my race isn't downed or 'hated'. I have seen others being called "cracker" and "whitey". But as soon as you as a white person call out a derogatory name of another race, then you are considered a race hater.
There is racism in EVERY area of the human race. And to see the hypocrisy in the "I ♥ Being Black" page, as well as out in the world is sickening to me. This is the 21st Century, people! ALL OF US need to get with the times.
We are not back in the 20th Century, or even the 19th Century, where racism was running rampant. There is no longer slave ownership and segregation. It is time to STOP HANGING HISTORY OVER THE 'WHITE MAN'S' HEAD!!!
How, after at least the last 40 years, can we as a human society still be so damn barbaric? I say it's time that we get it together and GET OVER the past, and move on in to the future.
This goes for racism, homophobia, the way that we treat (all forms of) the disabled and how we treat the sick (such as those with HIV/AIDS).
When all is said and done, at the end of each day, "I ♥ Being A Human Being of Society".
It's Wednesday, and it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out about today, as well. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a personal thing. If you wish to participate, please feel free to click on the POUR YOUR HEART OUT button above and you will get all the info on this carnival that you need.
Seeing what Angel is going through, with her mom having a heart attack and Angel's sheer will to be "the rock", had me going back through time. To twenty years ago in to my past (will be 21 in October).
To this day, I remember waking up to my dad yelling at my mom to "wake up" over and over at six in the morning, along with that loud banging noise he kept making on the coffee table beside her.
When I had gotten up and went to the living room, I saw my mother sitting there. But it wasn't her. By that time that damage was done and it was too late. She sat in the chair of her's for HOURS before the discovery by my father. She was in and out of conscientious, you had to yell at her for her to hear you, she wasn't able to speak or move one side of her body. Hours later, after she was taken to the hospital, I sat in her chair to get ready for the day, only to realized she lost her ability to hold urine, being I sat in pee that SOAKED the chair.
Later on in the day, I found out that my forty-three-year-old mother suffered a massive stroke and survived it.
To have to see her in the hospital, and then the Rehab/Nursing Home Center crushed me. I was only twelve years old at the time. Later in life, I did find out she tried to starve herself to death, being she didn't want to live that way. She felt like she was a burden to both myself and my father. Near the end she had to be trached (a tube placed in her throat to help her breath) thanks to the paralysis harming her lungs, as well as STILL near the end, battling lung infections.
For all the times that I went to see her, before leaving I always told her "see you later". And she was in the hospital for twenty-eight days (Rehab Center, actually).
But on that last Saturday, which was her last, full day of life, I told her, with no one else around that it was "okay to go home". I gave her the RIGHT to die. I gave her the PERMISSION she seeked from my father. When I did, I let her know we (Dad and I) would be okay and that I understood.
Under that, though, in my mind I could hear myself getting angry. I did NOT want her to leave me. Not yet. And I resented my father, who must not have cared (in my mind) enough to let her go and be in peace. Why ME? I was only twelve. A child. And I had to do some VERY grown-up things at that time of my life. Both with her in the hospitals and after her death.
What did she do to deserve her fate? And what did I do to have to live my life without my mother, and see her slowly rot away for a month, and could do NOTHING for her, but release her.
As I have gotten older, I have learned some valuable lessons. Starting back twenty years ago, as I loved my mother the best that I could for that last month, before I actually of all the times, on her last day of life said "good-bye, Mom", instead of "see you later".
1) Life will NEVER be fair to you.
2) We all will lose those that we love and cherish in this life. No way around that.
3) Be strong. But learn to let it go and stop being other's rocks, to take time for YOU.
4) We will always have "WHY?" moments. And not all of them will have an answer.
5) Yes, the pain of loss does go away. But NEVER, EVER completely. A piece of your heart will ALWAYS hurt and yearn.
6) Timing is not always on our side. Feel blessed when it is, and ask for courage and strength to walk through the fire when it isn't.
7) It's okay to be angry and/or sad. Even twenty years later.
8) Doctors are not God. They can only do so much. After that it's up to the patient and up to God what happens from there. There is nothing you can do about it.
9) Life's lemmons sometimes stay sour, no matter how much sugar you add. You still have to drink it.
10) Trials by fire don't ALWAYS leave you burned at the stake. Good can come from tragedy. Like a new lease on your life and three kids, with a wonderful husband to boot.
Where to start?...I'm so frustrated, saddened and upset, I could spit a whole brown bag of nails.
As some of you know, I had a cousin who was more like a brother to me. He passed away many years ago, when I was fourteen. He died from complications of AIDS. And yes, he was an (openly) Gay man. But it was a tainted blood transfusion of all things that killed him. NOT from having "gay sex".
Also, in my "by-marriage" family, I now have a gay uncle, and a lesbian aunt. They both have life partners. And my aunt and her partner have two wonderful children. And they are some of the most wonderful people you could ever meet on this earth.
There is a friend that I have over at a social website named Colin. He lives in the UK with his life partner. He does BEAUTIFUL work with his gift of knitting. He was severely abused as a child. And yep. He is Gay, too! He loves showing his Lhasa Apso dogs, and is an avid blogger.
Colin as of late though, has been getting bombarded by comments over at his blog in the last several posts by Fundamental Christians. Primarily concerning his sexual lifestyle. And THEY apparently have "figured out" why Colin CHOSE to be gay.
EXCUSE ME?! I'm sorry. But by experience of having family members that are (were) gay, I can certainly say that ninety-nine percent of the GLBT population would not CHOOSE to be WHO they are. I refuse to say 'what', being that those that are G.,L.,B., or T. are still also human beings.
Who in their right mind would CHOOSE this lifestyle? Yeah, they WANT to be ridiculed, beaten, and even killed for WHO THEY LOVE and for WHO THEY ARE.
Who in this world has any rights to judge another person for who that person lays next to at night? How would YOU like to have a 'peeping tom' in YOUR bedroom?
To those that oppose same-sex relationships (and especially marriages), do you "do it" in any other position than just Missionary? You went against the Bible! Do you (MALES ONLY) ejaculate OUTSIDE of a female's vagina? You went against the Bible! Do you perform oral sex (for both genders)? You went against the Bible (and even some modern State-issued laws here in the USA)!
Now, where marriage is concerned, how are two, consenting, deeply-in-love, same-sex ADULTS ruining the "sanctity of marriage" by getting married? If you look around, us "straights" have done a bang-up job of screwing over the "sanctity" of marriage all on our own. We don't need a 'homo's' help in that department.
Hell, to be honest, gay/lesbian people have a better view and understanding of marriage than us "hetero's" do! I know more gay couples that have been together double, triple, and even quadruple the amount of time than that of their straight counterparts. Including my Aunt and my Uncle (by marriage).
So, my dear Christian Fundie readers, what do you have now to say about gays, marriage and the (non)-choice to be gay? Maybe I need to start spying in to your closets and your bedrooms. I bet I can find all kinds of skeletons and swords to use against you.
Now, if you care to read and actually get to know Colin (and see his (ART) works of knitting) then feel free to stop in on his blog page and maybe even leave him a note of encouragement...
As the mother of a Special Needs child that is NOT Neurotypical, I love to educate others (the public at large) on what it's like as a parent, but also for our kids, that have a SILENT Disability.
What is a Silent Disability you ask? Well, to put it in layman's terms, it means that someone has a disability, or a combination of different disabilities that does NOT outwardly show in physical appearance. They may walk and talk just fine. But on he INSIDE, it is a completely different story. The person may have Lupus or Fibromyalgia. Or they have Bipolar or Oppositional Defiance Disorder. And there are MANY upon many other ailments, malady's and illness that seem to not appear to be noticed on the outside of the body.
My son has several mental disorders. They impede and impact his daily living and social skills. And also his eating and sleeping habits. He has very few friends. He has a very difficult time with outward, verbal expression. He has emotional set backs, as well as a decreased maturity level (that is NOT within 'normal' range for a boy his age). For the most part, he looks, walks, and talks just like you and I. But when he displays his "quirks" and has manic episodes, and angers so badly that the devil looks like an angel, then you know something is seriously off with my boy.
Have you ever gotten upset at ANY person that parks in the Handicapped Parking space, only to see them get out and walk in to the store, minus a cane, walker, or scooter. And even without an oxygen tank? Are you more upset that they took that spot from a REAL disabled person? Or that they walk and act "just fine"? Maybe for you, it's both?
I've honestly lost count of how many stares my mother-in-law and I have gotten as we step out the van and WALK to the store's entrance from her handicapped parking space. She is disabled and cannot stay in the store and walk for too long. And she has a hard time breathing, but not needing oxygen (yet). She has Systemic Lupus, a colostomy bag and she tires easily due to the Lupus. But you cannot see that from just looking at her.
Now, back to children with Special Needs (of any kind, really). I was reading on my local news station's web page that a near-by county is CUTTING Behavioral Aides from their schools. Why? They suddenly became a part of the county's budget cuts.
Those that work with kids like mine are an integral part of those student's having the ability, focus and willingness to learn, and learn effectively. To take them away from those kids (as was said in the article) for even just ONE school year, can set those kids (potentially) back for SEVERAL years to come.
I'm sorry, but no basic Teacher's Aide will be able to 'effectively' assist those children in the manner that they need the help to be within the mainstream classroom setting. Not unless they too have children that have some type of mental/behavioral disability/disorder.
Even then, for as long as I have been dealing with and learning the ropes with my own child, it does NOT make me an "expert" in the field of Childhood Neurological Behavioral Sciences. I'm just a MOM that has a lot of personal experience and literature-based knowledge of what is wrong with MY child.
Many, if not MOST of those children have SSI Disability, as well as Medicaid Insurance. If need be, the kids can still have their Aides (those that will require the most one-on-one assistance), and Medicaid can pick up the bills. All they will need is a Pre-Authorization from their Specialist. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Pre-Auth's are APPROVED.
In the end, it's truly a win-win situation. No money out of the school's pocket (or the children's parents). And the kids get the Aides that they desperately need in order to receive the best education possible for their abilities (and disabilities).
Well, yet another chapter has been written for my child. Another diagnosis. Another medication. And I'm okay with it. We know what it is, what it's caused by and how long he could have the problem.
Finally, after almost a month of fighting and nipping the heels of the doctor's office staff manager, the insurance company and making some complaints filed, it happened. Bryce FINALLY got his prescription for the Intuniv approved to be covered by his insurance carrier. That's one less thing to worry about.
As for his oral tics, they have gotten worse. And we noted that they picked up more after the Intuniv was started. Although, we pinpointed that it is NOT the medication causing them. But the medications (one, two, or possibly all three) are bringing them out more than they would usually show.
Bryce has now been diagnosed with Tardive Diskinesia. Basically, his tics are a neurological disorder consisting of abnormal, involuntary body movements caused by certain medicines. It is usually associated with long-term use of medicines for treating schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders. And this disorder will most likely NEVER go away. He has a strong possibility of always having tics to some degree for the rest of his life. And some bouts can and do affect his day-to-day living.
By what we have seen, as early as infancy, he has always had a very mild case of tics. But since starting certain medicines (primarily the Seroquel and the Intuniv that was just added), the tics have become more prominent and vary in degree of progression and regression. They have once again gotten not only in to his mouth region, but also in his hands and feet. Even his eyebrows are getting the tics.
We as his parents, have seen great improvement in everything thanks to the Intuniv being added. He isn't as aggressive, or volatile. He has a better time focusing and being organized. Even his teachers had stated how improved he had been (they did NOT know I placed him on the Intuniv for the first 2 or so weeks). They said he was like day and night with the (positive) changes.
Of course, those changes came with a price. But it's one that all of us (myself, my husband Scott, and Bryce himself) are willing to pay. And that is the severe increase in the tic disorder. I'm calling him my Jumping Jellybean.
My son, no matter his outward appearance is still a NORMAL, active, (for the most part) healthy boy. He just has A LOT of twitches. And yes, it can impact his speech and verbalizing things he wants to say. It takes him a bit longer to get his sentences out. Patience is the key. For both of us.
In fact, this year, Bryce (for the first time) is taking the Standards Of Learning Tests (math, reading, science, social studies). He has a "Test-Taking Buddy", where he goes off to the teacher's room that does Title-One reading to do his testing. He finds it better to be alone so he can talk-think his answers, doesn't feel as pressured to perform well, and isn't on a time limit (being he is disabled, those are his afforded rights as a disabled student). His scores will come in the mail with his final report card of the 2009-2010 school year.
He may not "look" normal, but he isn't your "average" kid either. He may be at about a 4 to 6-year-old mental-maturity level, but he has been deemed (like his older sister) to be Academically Gifted. He can do work from normal grade (3rd) range, up to 6th-grade-level, based on the subject.
I'm proud of all three of my kids. They are all my shining stars in one way or another. But Bryce's star shines just a tad brighter. He has endured one struggle after another in stride, and with pride. And he has (in his own unique way) shown this old mama just how strong and how far she will go to see that my kids are NEVER 'left behind'. And for that, I will forever be in his debt and he will always have my gratitude.
I'm straight. I have been since I can remember what 1+1 equates to. I'm a Christian. But not a "die hard, Bible wielding, know every verse in the Good Book" kind. I'm a mother of three great kids. I'm married to the ultimate love of my life. And I at times have bisexual thoughts.
Does that last sentence turn you off? Does it turn you away? Or am I human? I have had these thoughts, fantasies and the curiosity for many, upon many years.
Now that you know this about me, am I "less of a Christian"? No. Am I "lost"? No. Do I feel that this is just a phase? No. Am I less of a friend before today's post? No. Are you? Maybe.
I am in a fan page site over on Facebook where a self-proclaimed "Christian", high school graduate, and college student is just not seeing the forest for the trees.
I'm very sorry, but like with ANY relationship (that is healthy and consensual), a gay/lesbian/bisexual's relationship(s) with their partner(s) is NOT completely and totally revolved around sex and having children. And I am so VERY tired of hearing that "argument", just as I am about the saying of "if we condone marriages of gays, then what's next....marrying ANIMALS?".
Last time I have checked, we humans ARE animals. We are of the mammalian variety. And we are listed as the highest animal species on the food chain, as well as intellect chain. And we have "animalistic" sex with our own species.
Also, it has been scientifically proven that thousands of animal species have homosexual sex amongst themselves. So, is God TOTALLY against homosexuality? Guess not, being He did create the animals. And they have no knowledge of Him, social viewpoints, nor of right from wrong in the sexual world.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty. And from this point, it's really an ADULT topic. And I don't plan to hide anything. If this changes how you think of me, or on how you view me, and you wish to no longer be my friend, then so be it. If you can't handle the REAL me, at it's fullest, then you have not the ability to be my TRUE friend.
On some occasions of love making with my husband, especially when we like it to be a little more rough and kinky, we pull out "THE" toy (rubber dick) and talk dirty (actually dirtier) with one another. As soon as he sets the mental scene of some three-some, and some girl-on-girl action, it totally sets my head spinning, driving me up the wall. Needless to say, between the physical aspects and the mental imagery, it makes me even hornier and gets me off even more so than "basic" sex.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have had fantasies about being with a girl/woman. And I have had the fantasies of being with both a man and another woman at the same time. But due to self-image and self-esteem issues, and now with having young children, to try out and fulfill those fantasies (that my husband and I share in) seems like a lost ship in the vast ocean.
I can't help who I am. I can't help the thoughts and feelings that I have. I can't be anyone else but me. And I refuse to hide that part of myself any longer. I have kept it tucked away, only being something that myself and my husband know. But not any longer.
And for those of you that are thinking this...No, I am NOT writing this for "shock value", to gain readers or comments. I am writing this because I felt it was FINALLY time to. I felt that I needed to be completely honest with myself, and those around me.
Like I stated earlier in the post, if this causes me to lose friends, then so be it. If they choose to NOT accept me for who I am, how I believe, how I view things and for not being the "Christian" that THEY feel I am not, then they were NEVER TRULY my 'friend' in the first place.
