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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I'm "Pouring My Heart Out" via Shell

With all that is going on lately, I think it's finally time to sit here and indeed...

Between an "extended" winter break this year for the schools, my kids fighting because of 'cabin' fever, my son having problems as of late, I am shocked that I'm not in the Psych Ward having meds fed to me three times a day.

If you want a better picture of what is happening with my son, then I suggest that you READ THIS.

As for the longer winter break, we are this year (and hopefull JUST this year) on the college schedule as to help with the budgeting, heating costs and other "costs".

But the biggest thing on my plate is the fact that my husband's grandfather has taken a turn for the worse and there is indeed no going back. I'd written about him a good while back, when we thought that the end was imminent. Of course, once more, Big Papa fooled us all. And even then, I shared my fears of when it's REALLY time. But this time, it's different.

Now, Big Papa is in the beginning of Kidney Failure. And he has flat out refused Dialysis. So, no amount of fluid intake will reverse it and once one organ starts the shut-down process, it's not long before other major organs follow.

We'd taken Hayley (who's the oldest at eleven, and knows fully of what's going on) with us to see Papa yesterday. She sat there and answered a couple of questions. As soon as he complimented her on how beautiful she's become as a young lady, she got up and left the room as to not let Big Papa see her cry.

After seeing she was right outside the door, I made the excuse that I wanted the guys (Scott and his granddad) to have some time alone. Which was true to an extent, but more to check on my kid.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point. Mainly with Scott and Hayley, who will be most affected by the loss when Big Papa indeed does finally pass.

Scott's had this man in his life for almost 40 years. Hayley's known him for most of her eleven years. And she knows it's not everyday a kid can say I KNOW my GREAT-Grandparents.

I've got a responsibility ahead of me. One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. One to be there for my kids, who will at different levels be grieving.

And I've got to be there to "hold up" my husband when this all goes down, knowing he will be taking this loss extremely hard. And knowing he is one of the pallbearers is of no consolidation to me, either.

All the while, I'll be having to deal with my own grief. So, knowing myself, I'll do my best (and more than likely succeed) to hold it all together and keep it all internalized until the primary portion of the storm passes by.

I've always been of the mind set that if I fall apart when everyone else is that's around me, then no one will be of use to anyone. It's kind of like "the blind leading the blind" in other words.

So, deep down, I know what's headed for me, for my family, and for the family as a whole when all is said and done. But I'm scared that when push comes to shove, I won't be who or what I need to be when the need arises.


Renegades said...

You will be amazed at your strength that you pull out of yourself to help get your children through it. I lost my second mom this past summer to cancer and we knew we were going to lose her. We talked to the kids about how Grandma was going to go to Heaven where she wouldn't have anymore pain. She talked to them.

When she died I took a night just to myself and cried my heart out. Held her hand. Then I pulled myself up and helped my children through it. They however, did so well because they knew they would miss her, yet so believe she's in Heaven.

Shell said...

But, you will be. Your strength will come out for your family. I have no doubt.

Mich said...

Thanks for "pouring your heart out." I'm still trying to get up the courage to do it, so Bravo to you!

I think you are A LOT stronger than you think you are. All they need is for you to be there for them when they break down. They don't need you to "say the right thing", because there is no RIGHT thing to say. They just need to know that you are there with a shoulder to cry on and to listen when they need to talk.

And you will do that for them. Because they're your family. And because you love them. But also because you're a lot STRONGER than you think you are.

Thanks again for sharing, and I will keep you all in my prayers. I still cry when I think about my grandmother, and she's been gone for 12+ years.


Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

I'm sorry you all have to go through this.
But just from reading you daily I know you will have the strength to do this - even if you don't know that yet. It won't be easy.
Just breathe.

Cameon said...

Somehow, you find a way to be strong for those that need you to be and just from this post and a few others I have read, there is no doubt you will be.

You and your family are in my prayers.

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