PYHO... Mommy Wars

*Please remember, for some of us, this is the only place to be able to vent in a safe way, as to avoid the unneeded negativity that may already be occurring in our lives. In other words, if you have nothing constructive, and uninsulting to say, please refrain or move on. Or else, I let Angel come at you with one of her flaming vlogs.*

Yesterday morning, over on my FaceBook profile, I put a little lighthearted post up about this being the last two weeks of school. My exact words were...

"All the kids are off to school and here I sit, sipping my second cup of coffee. Best enjoy it while I can. In two weeks, the peace will NOT be with me. For 2 months."

In a nutshell, I meant no malice. I was not whining (as a friend had stated on behalf of her sister) and yes, indeed KNOW that I am VERY fortunate to be home with my kids.

But it wasn't always this way. I have also been a working mother as well in my time. And I missed some important areas of growth in two of my children because of it. When my third (and last) came along, I quit my job because honestly, there was no way, even with BOTH of our incomes, could afford full and part time child care for THREE kids. So I left and never went back in to the workforce.

ALL of us mothers (and fathers) work hard. Both inside and outside of the home. Only real difference is that some mothers get to earn monetary income, as well as have the house duties (and parental duties). And some of us don't earn more than kisses or hugs, which in my mind trumps all the monetary pay in the world.

"I would say you are pretty lucky!"...Yes, I am. But also, I didn't post what I did as to gain sympathy or bragging rights.

Is this what posting anything in the way of parenting has come to? Picking a war over a joke? Hell, I even made it in to a "Yoda-ism" near the end.

I'm NO better in the parenting department, being a mother who stays home, than the working girl next door with a kid or two. We both have the same job description where being a parent is concerned. Love, nurture and support our kids.

But believe me when I say, staying home 24/7 is no real picnic either. I would LOVE to be able to once again earn money from a day's work. I would love to have ADULT interactions outside of my home and the school setting (where I volunteer).

Then again, my line of work to go back to would NOT allow me the schedule I would need. Not in the retail life. It's not a "9 to 5" environment with every weekend off. And you can never really plan anything around your schedule, because that ALWAYS is changing.

Basically, there are pros and cons in BOTH areas of being a parent who works and who stays home. I may JOKE about the fact that Summertime will bring me little to no peace (which is VERY true), I will STILL enjoy the time I will have with my kids being home.

Like another mommy-friend said to me last night, "If your children don't annoy you at least once a week, you aren't around them enough". So true there! And believe me, I'm around mine enough, that the gray hairs just keep piling on my head. But I don't love, nor do I not want to be with them any less.

That FB post meant that I am being HUMAN, as well as realistic of what's to come with Summer break looming.

Just because I am a mother, it does NOT mean I have to "enjoy" having NO peacefulness or "me time" to take time for ME, and instead place myself last.

Which I do anyways.

Double Dipping Again.. Pouring My Heart & Cleaning Out The Closet

I'm extremely choosy of what blog carnivals/Blog Hops/Memes I choose to participate in. And honestly, I only participate in a couple. Here they are...

For The Love Of Blogs'




and Shell's



**Before we proceed further... Let it be known upfront that with BOTH of these blog hop's rules, NO NEGATIVITY is allowed in the comments of the post. So go by the cardinal rule. "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". Leave it at the door and post negativity on YOUR OWN posts/blogs.**

I love my family. I really do. I love being a wife and a mother. I love to volunteer at the school that my children attend. I love watching movies as a family. And doing things as a family.

But a fellow Blogger (Tough Cookie Mommy) and her post REALLY got me thinking.. When is it MY turn for ME? She is going through the same "crisis".

I'd grown up as an only child. After my medical catastrophe at birth, my mom didn't want to chance having another baby "like me". After my mom died my paternal grandmother moved herself in against my dad's wishes and "parented" me. That's where my life of "privacy" waned and went to the wind.

Ever since then, be it under my father's roof, living with roommates or with my former or current husbands and our children, I have never really gotten the chance to do for ME. All my decisions and what I do are intricately centered (rimarily) around the kids and my husband.

I can't shower (most of the time) without at least one person busting in to use the bathroom. Using the toilet even can be a non-singular chore.

Television? I have to try and watch my ABC Soaps in the afternoon (nothing is really appealing to me in the morning hours) before my kids are home. Then no more TV for me until 9:00 at night if I'm lucky and/or not too tired.

Naps...Can't take them in the middle of the day. It's "unnatural" to me. I take them in the evening, after dinner, if I feel that I need one. My husband sleeps for a while after coming home from work in the afternoon. When he sleeps (past when the kids get home from school) NO ONE disturbs him for anything. IF I take one, then all three kids (most times) come in one after another to ask me something...HELLO! You DO have a dad to ask to. Ya know?

There are days that I honestly ask myself the age-old question of many mothers/wives, especially of those of us (like myself) thanks to Reba McEntire, "Is There Life Out There"?

I KNOW I am *more* than JUST a "wife". I am *more* than just a "mother". I am STILL a person. A human being. One who STILL likes to have ME time to figure MYSELF out. Be it during a nap. Or during an uninterrupted shower. Or even having the ability to say MY turn for what I wish to watch on the Television or on DVD.

It's bad enough that my husband and I NEVER, EVER (or shall we say quite rarely do we) get an entire evening alone. Be it to go out or just hang out quietly at home. It's worse to know that you are ONLY being seen as a "wife" or as a "mom".

I'm "Pouring Out My Heart" as I am "Cleaning Out My Closet".

I decided to "double dip" today, which is really a rare thing. Today, this post will serve as both a participant in Shell's



..and For The Love Of Blog's (Vic's)



As most of my readers know, I required a Corneal Transplant back in October of 2009. I had a bad infection invade the eye its self, then it also eroded the cornea. But I perforated the entire cornea when I accidentally poked myself in the eye.

While I have fairly good eyesight (colors, some shape, light) I still have problems. One being a cataract that will eventually need removal. I still have eight of sixteen stithces left to go.

I have my good days. But lately, I have had a rough go. I don't often complain on here or on Facebook or Twitter. I don't want to sound like a "whiner".

And most people, if they don't understand that a transplant is NOT a "cure all" think that the recipient must be ALWAYS happy and feel "lucky".

In all honesty, lately I've had some trouble where infection is TRYING to attack again. Not bad, but in an annoying way. I am working on getting it calmed as we speak.Add in sinus trouble also making my eye a bit unnerved and it's an all out "party"

Sometimes, I wish that they did take the eye. Then I'd have no more drops, no more stitches needing to removed. No cataract to be taken out. No mounting doctor bills for "after care" that constantly come at me. And no chance of needing a SECOND transplant later on down the road.

Is it selfish and ungrateful of me to think and feel this way? Maybe. But I also feel that my children have been through enough with their mother having one set back after another with her eye in one way or another.

Yes, I am so very thankful to my donor and their family. Without their gift, I would have no sight at all. But also my children and I are paying a price. As is my husband. Not just monetarily.

Organ and tissue transplants are not the cure all to the problem with that organ or tissue. In fact, you go from having one set of problems, to a new kind of set. Mainly dealing with the chance of rejection. It CAN happne a day later or many years down the road. And we live in the thought of "is this the day that it all goes downhill and we have to start over again?". It's not a life I wish on anyone. Even for "just an eye".

I'm angry. At my skin condition that invaded my eye. I'm angry at myself for not getting that under control sooner. I'm angry that my body turned against me. I'm angry that another family had to suffer a loss. I'm angry that it took someone to die for me to be able to see with both of my eyes.

While I may smile and "look" or even "sound" happy on the outside, inside, especially right now, I'm screaming and seething. Because right now, I feel that I have lost a battle (again) that I have fought hard to win and overcome for the last year and a half.

I'm "Pouring My Heart Out" via Shell

With all that is going on lately, I think it's finally time to sit here and indeed...



Between an "extended" winter break this year for the schools, my kids fighting because of 'cabin' fever, my son having problems as of late, I am shocked that I'm not in the Psych Ward having meds fed to me three times a day.

If you want a better picture of what is happening with my son, then I suggest that you READ THIS.

As for the longer winter break, we are this year (and hopefull JUST this year) on the college schedule as to help with the budgeting, heating costs and other "costs".

But the biggest thing on my plate is the fact that my husband's grandfather has taken a turn for the worse and there is indeed no going back. I'd written about him a good while back, when we thought that the end was imminent. Of course, once more, Big Papa fooled us all. And even then, I shared my fears of when it's REALLY time. But this time, it's different.

Now, Big Papa is in the beginning of Kidney Failure. And he has flat out refused Dialysis. So, no amount of fluid intake will reverse it and once one organ starts the shut-down process, it's not long before other major organs follow.

We'd taken Hayley (who's the oldest at eleven, and knows fully of what's going on) with us to see Papa yesterday. She sat there and answered a couple of questions. As soon as he complimented her on how beautiful she's become as a young lady, she got up and left the room as to not let Big Papa see her cry.

After seeing she was right outside the door, I made the excuse that I wanted the guys (Scott and his granddad) to have some time alone. Which was true to an extent, but more to check on my kid.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place at this point. Mainly with Scott and Hayley, who will be most affected by the loss when Big Papa indeed does finally pass.

Scott's had this man in his life for almost 40 years. Hayley's known him for most of her eleven years. And she knows it's not everyday a kid can say I KNOW my GREAT-Grandparents.

I've got a responsibility ahead of me. One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. One to be there for my kids, who will at different levels be grieving.

And I've got to be there to "hold up" my husband when this all goes down, knowing he will be taking this loss extremely hard. And knowing he is one of the pallbearers is of no consolidation to me, either.

All the while, I'll be having to deal with my own grief. So, knowing myself, I'll do my best (and more than likely succeed) to hold it all together and keep it all internalized until the primary portion of the storm passes by.

I've always been of the mind set that if I fall apart when everyone else is that's around me, then no one will be of use to anyone. It's kind of like "the blind leading the blind" in other words.

So, deep down, I know what's headed for me, for my family, and for the family as a whole when all is said and done. But I'm scared that when push comes to shove, I won't be who or what I need to be when the need arises.

Pouring Your Heart Out w/Shell...Back To School Time.

Do you need to pour your heart out about something? Then click on the button above to Shell's post at Things I Can't Say, grab a button to put on your PYHO post, and begin pouring.


Please be mindful that everyone linking to Shell's PYHO post is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)


In our school, they teach (elementary level) Pre-K, through 5th. Last year was THE day for my youngest. She was almost 5 then (will be 6 in a few months). I, like many, counted down the days, made everything sound right in the world to her in regards to going to "big kid" school. And I made it like it was block-party time because Miss Skyler was *GOING TO SCHOOL!*.

When the day was FINALLY here, we got her in her uniform (yes, we are a uniform school..blech!), her big sissy and bro-bro helped her pack her back pack and then all of us (incl. dad who went in late to see this) waited for the inevitable. The first bus ride "alone" as a fully independent child. Not the dependent baby I raised to get to this stage of life.

As we stood there, I had flashbacks of all three kids run through my head. Of when they were babies and toddlers. And then I saw before my eyes, the wonderful children that they (at this point in their lives) have thus far grown up to be.


Sure, I smiled, laughed, made it all-out exciting and positive. But I was dying a little inside. It hurt to see my last baby go off. And seeing Skyler get on that bus did me in. Yes, I kept that slapped-on smile upon my face, and I waved to her as they started to pull off. But, as soon as they were out of eyesight, I lost it.

No longer could I hold back the hurt that my heart felt. The tears in their dam were no longer able to be kept at bay. Reality hit me square in the face, and in the heart.

Walking back in to the house, it was eerily quiet. I was so used to hearing Nick Jr. on the television and seeing Skyler munching on a morning goody (cereal mainly).

But on that day, it was just me and the cats. No "Mama!! I'm thirsty.", or "Mama! Where we go today?". Because, she was at "big kid" school.

This year, it will be a bit better. And Skyler is SO very excited to be going back to school. So is Bryce. Hayley on the other hand? She is 50/50 on the subject.

I get to do this again NEXT year with my oldest, who will be in Middle/Junior High School. It will (I'm sure) be riddled with many of the same fears as I had with them going off to Kindergarten (or Pre-K in Skyler's case) for the first time. Only this time, with MUCH more peer pressure and other "really big kid" things.

Even now, I can see Hayley (and yes, Bryce, too) as they were in the days of where Skyler is now. And all I can wonder at this point is...

God, where does the time fly off to? It all happens so quickly.

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday w/Shell (Get out the tissues! It's a tear-jerker.)

It's Wednesday, and it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out about today, as well. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a personal thing. If you wish to participate, please feel free to click on the POUR YOUR HEART OUT button above and you will get all the info on this carnival that you need.

Seeing what Angel is going through, with her mom having a heart attack and Angel's sheer will to be "the rock", had me going back through time. To twenty years ago in to my past (will be 21 in October).

To this day, I remember waking up to my dad yelling at my mom to "wake up" over and over at six in the morning, along with that loud banging noise he kept making on the coffee table beside her.

When I had gotten up and went to the living room, I saw my mother sitting there. But it wasn't her. By that time that damage was done and it was too late. She sat in the chair of her's for HOURS before the discovery by my father. She was in and out of conscientious, you had to yell at her for her to hear you, she wasn't able to speak or move one side of her body. Hours later, after she was taken to the hospital, I sat in her chair to get ready for the day, only to realized she lost her ability to hold urine, being I sat in pee that SOAKED the chair.

Later on in the day, I found out that my forty-three-year-old mother suffered a massive stroke and survived it.

To have to see her in the hospital, and then the Rehab/Nursing Home Center crushed me. I was only twelve years old at the time. Later in life, I did find out she tried to starve herself to death, being she didn't want to live that way. She felt like she was a burden to both myself and my father. Near the end she had to be trached (a tube placed in her throat to help her breath) thanks to the paralysis harming her lungs, as well as STILL near the end, battling lung infections.

For all the times that I went to see her, before leaving I always told her "see you later". And she was in the hospital for twenty-eight days (Rehab Center, actually).

But on that last Saturday, which was her last, full day of life, I told her, with no one else around that it was "okay to go home". I gave her the RIGHT to die. I gave her the PERMISSION she seeked from my father. When I did, I let her know we (Dad and I) would be okay and that I understood.

Under that, though, in my mind I could hear myself getting angry. I did NOT want her to leave me. Not yet. And I resented my father, who must not have cared (in my mind) enough to let her go and be in peace. Why ME? I was only twelve. A child. And I had to do some VERY grown-up things at that time of my life. Both with her in the hospitals and after her death.

What did she do to deserve her fate? And what did I do to have to live my life without my mother, and see her slowly rot away for a month, and could do NOTHING for her, but release her.

As I have gotten older, I have learned some valuable lessons. Starting back twenty years ago, as I loved my mother the best that I could for that last month, before I actually of all the times, on her last day of life said "good-bye, Mom", instead of "see you later".

1) Life will NEVER be fair to you.

2) We all will lose those that we love and cherish in this life. No way around that.

3) Be strong. But learn to let it go and stop being other's rocks, to take time for YOU.

4) We will always have "WHY?" moments. And not all of them will have an answer.

5) Yes, the pain of loss does go away. But NEVER, EVER completely. A piece of your heart will ALWAYS hurt and yearn.

6) Timing is not always on our side. Feel blessed when it is, and ask for courage and strength to walk through the fire when it isn't.

7) It's okay to be angry and/or sad. Even twenty years later.

8) Doctors are not God. They can only do so much. After that it's up to the patient and up to God what happens from there. There is nothing you can do about it.

9) Life's lemmons sometimes stay sour, no matter how much sugar you add. You still have to drink it.

10) Trials by fire don't ALWAYS leave you burned at the stake. Good can come from tragedy. Like a new lease on your life and three kids, with a wonderful husband to boot.

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday w/Shell

I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm confused. And I keep asking that golden question, "why?!".

Yesterday, I had to take Hayley to the doctor. Usually, she is the healthiest of the three kids. For her, it's just basic check-ups and any shots needed. End of story.

Not anymore. I took her in for two reasons. One being her left ear hurt really bad. Come to find out, she had a severe blockage of wax deeply near the ear drum.

But, that was the least of my problems. And her's.

The other night I fixed tacos the way I normally do. Within just hours, Hayley came to my room between 12:30 and 1:00 AM, scratching herself to the point of trying to almost tear her skin off, as she cried.

When I turned on the light (main light in the room), what I saw scared me almost to death. She was red and hived from head to toe. Her lips, jaws, and throat were AT LEAST double their size. And her breathing was a bit off/erratic.

In a blind haze, Scott gave her Tylenol. So I got the Benadryl pills and popped one down her. Within thirty minutes she was doing better and she fell back to sleep in my bed.

After going to the doctor, we found out that she had her first Anaphylaxis episode. Her sensitivity to Soy (which she has had all her life) usually is to a point where she is (like) a Lactose Intolerant person. She can have small, minute amounts, and it won't hurt her.

Not anymore! That was the culprit. And she has now developed a hyper-sensitivity to it. As well as already being hyper-sensitive to shrimp (steamed and uncooked), Red Dye 40 (in red Popsicles only), mushrooms, Blue Cheese Dressing (and other fungi-based foods). As well as an allergy to Amoxicilline.

From now on, Hayley must carry an Epinephrine Pen (Eppy Pen) with her at all times. No matter where she goes. Including to her dad's house. And also we will all have to read ingredient labels more carefully, maybe sub a food out here and there for her to have if she can't have a certain food at a mealtime. And I will also have to ask places we go to eat at how they cook their food, how they serve it up (using separate utensils for each item, no cross-contaminating). And I will need to get allergy friendly recipes for all of us to have (as to not single her out as much as possible).

Why am I angry? Because it seems like no matter how I get ahead and my kids do well, life has to throw another monkey wrench in to the fire. I need a break, as do Hayley and Bryce who are now BOTH considered "Special Needs Kids". I'm tired and I'm tired of seeing my children go through all this crap. And there isn't a whole lot I can do for them.

Why am I scared? Because now, her allergies have gotten to a point, that they can POTENTIALLY KILL my child. I saw that with my own eyes the other night. And it scares me. I don't want to live without my kids. I'd be lost without a single one of them. And I am scared that her (bio) dad won't get his head out his ass and get educated, or will do what is needed if the need arises...That is injecting the shot in her leg (due to his fear of needles and shots).

Why am I confused? Because I know of NO ONE else in the family from either her father's side, or mine that have allergic reactions this bad, or to this many things. So I cannot pinpoint how or why she has these allergies, or the severity of reactions she suffers. We only share a couple of allergies. Bee stings (from any stinging bug) and the medicine.

As for the "why"...I just want to know WHY. Why my kids. What did any of them do to deserve the medical hardships all of them are dealing with. Skyler has that wart/immune system problem. Bryce has his Mental Disorder issues. Now, Hayley has her allergy issues. Why them? What for? Is someone above getting their jollies off on seeing my kids suffer, and I suffer along with them.

In a nutshell, a lot of changes are coming. And it's going to take time to figure it all out. I'm going to need help on this one. I've been thrown in to the lion's den and I'm sinking in the water without a paddle.