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Monday, July 12, 2010

Letting Go...Not That Easy (get out the tissues)

Over at FaceBook, I do this one application called "On This Day,God Wants You To Know". While I am a Christian, I am not very devout. I believe, and I do read the Bible. I pray for others as needed and felt led to.

With these "messages" from God, it gives you these little encouraging tidbits on how to improve your life, or of someone around you, and lets you know that you aren't alone.

Today's read for me as follows...

"On this day, God wants you to know... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest."

Above this, I had stated in the status area... (my words)

"It's not so much for me, but someone else that this is going to be hard to do. A lifetime can't be let go of that easily. Although, I DID get a lifetime of what I lacked in just one decade. For that I'm forever grateful."

You see, I had grown up since infancy with only my two grandmothers. Both of my grandfathers were dead. One passed a year or around there before my birth. The other died in Germany, during World War II when MY dad was only six months old.

The only 'grandfather' I had was my Great-Grandfather. But he passed away when I was six years old. And I don't have much memory of him or our time together, sadly.

For years and years, I often wondered what having a grandfather in my life would be like. I wondered what my grandfathers would have done with me activity-wise. Fishing, walks, talks about yesteryear. Even throwing a ball around would have been nice (being I was a tomboy).

After Scott and I had gotten together, I started meeting his folks. Good, southern, country-hospitality type of people. Love of family, country and God. Then one day, it was time for my first experience meeting the WHOLE side of Scott's dad's kin. WOW!! Think about this, his grandparents, their SEVEN kids, and THEIR other halves. Then add in all of THEIR kids. And even some more kids after that. LOTS of people.

Almost instantaneously, his grandparents took me under their wing and called me "just another of their grandkids". I have since then had a surprising and unexpectedly unique place in my heart for those two. Especially Scott's grandfather. He is a man of a few words. He has hands of steel. But also full of love. Even now, in his frailty. He has ALWAYS been good and kind to my oldest child and daughter, Hayley, who is from my first marriage. He (as well as Scott's grandma and the rest of the crew) treats her like she has ALWAYS been a Cowart. Nothing less.

For him and his family to take my daughter and I in to their hearts as they have, I will ALWAYS be grateful, thankful and filled with pride.

This past Saturday, we had the annual family picnic/reunion. This year though, everyone (except an aunt, Scott and a nephew, due to work schedule conflicts mainly) was there. It was great to see. Everyone was smiling, laughing, reminiscing, and just sharing of themselves.

This is also most likely the last one with the patriarch of the family. Big Papa (Scott's grandfather) has been steadily declining over the last year. At this time last year, he was hospitalized, and we thought he was not going to make it. He did. And they gave him six more months to live...Just over six months ago.

We all know that the inevitable is coming. It's no longer a matter of if, but of when. And with only ten percent of Big Papa's heart working, we know that time is most certainly precious for each day that we all still have him in our lives.

I've suffered some of the worst loss imaginable as a child. I lost my mother when I was twelve years old. Scott has lost a couple of uncles that I know of, and his Maternal Grandparents (one before birth and one at eight years old).

Losing a cousin or an aunt or uncle is one thing. But to lose a parent at a young age is just in a way fatefully cruel. Losing a grandparent so far in to adulthood yourself, can deal a huge blow to your heart.

Scott's going to take this hard. He is quite close with Big Papa and Big Grandma. It will really be his first major loss that he will understand. And it's already killing both of us inside.

I was actually not going to go. I had my reasons. But then I changed my mind. Now, I am glad I did. And I even got a few pictures of the kids with their great-grandparents.

After getting home and staring at the one of the girls with Big Papa, Skyler sitting on his lap, and him looking SO happy, it hit me. This was quite possibly THE last time I myself will see him alive, being I don't get to personally see them that much. Nor do the kids.

Thanks to that man, he gave me in ten years, what I yearned for, for practically my entire life. To know what it's like to have a grandfather in your life. And I was fortunate enough to receive this BEAUTIFUL gift from him.

It's going to be hard for me when his journey here is over. But I know it will be much, MUCH harder for Scott. And I can only hope and pray now, that when the time comes, I will be the rock he needs me to be. To be the comfort he needs. To have the right words when he asks "why" and "how".

Yes, we all must let go. Of past hurts, of anger and of sadness. But at times, knowing you must let go makes you want to hold on even tighter due to the fear of the loss. Letting go of those that are most important in your life in ANY means can be difficult. But there are those very special someone's that it seems IMPOSSIBLE that you have to let them go.

And Big Papa is going to be one of them.

1 comment:

singedwingangel said...

Aw hun my heart goes out to ya'll . Knowing it is coming does not ever make it any easier, especially if they have already gone past the time they thought.

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