And the Gates Opened and God said "Come in My son".

We all knew that this was coming. For the last six months or so. But after losing other family members in the past that you "prepared" for losing, when the time comes, you are NEVER truly "prepared".

Last night we were told to get to Big Papa if we could because Hospice gave him just hours. So Scott and I placed the kids with some friends of ours and rushed over. He was ashen, pale and gray. His breathing was rattly and hard, thanks to the fluid on his lungs. He was sedated and given pain medications for comfort and so he wouldn't fight himself.

We stayed there a good hour or just a bit longer. All the while talking with Scott's Grandma and his Aunt, who was staying the night. As we left, we told Big Papa we loved him and to just rest and that everything was okay.

After leaving to get the kids, two of our nieces (sisters) apparently arrived not long after us. We missed one another by mere minutes.

We left at about 8:10 last night. Scott got the "call" at about 9:05, about ten minutes after we walked in the door for the night.

He died as the oldest niece was brushing his military-style cut hair. That was something ALL the grandkids and great-grandkids did. He paid them a dollar if they did a "good job", which of course they all did. *hehe*

This past Summer was the last TRUE family reunion with EVERYONE together. This year, it will be drastically different. And more morose and somber as we gather with one less person joining in watching the kids catch lizards and snakes in the backyard, eating up a storm and just having a fun time talking and being together.

*Big Papa with my girls, Skyler and Hayley (oldest of the three kids)*

*Big Papa with my son, Bryce and our oldest niece*

I can only imagine the reception Big Papa received as he entered the Pearly Gates. I know his sister and youngest brother were happy to be reunited with their big brother, as I am certain that it was a welcoming experience to see his parents again.

Big Papa was an extremely hard working man in his time, as he was the manager of a strong insurance company. And he served in the military in his youth. When he met his wife of 62 years, she had three children from a previous marriage. One of them being my Father-In-Law, whom he adopted all three after the couple had married. Then along came four other children that they had after that. So needless to say, he left behind many upon many hearts to grieve his passing. Between their seven children multiple grandchildren, and several great-grandkids and even a great-great-grandchild.

I think that the following song is extremely appropriate to say how I feel about a man that gave me a good taste of what life is like with having a Grandfather in your life, seeing as my granddads were dead before I was born. And thanks to Big Papa and his inclusion of me in to his family as "one of my granddaughters", I can never thank him (or Grandma) enough for the last eleven wonderful years of having a great man in my life such as him...Even if he was a Washington Redskins fan. I looked past that atrocity and still loved him anyways. (=

*I apologize, but VEVO just had to put a freaking commercial in this one..which is inappropriate for a song like this in my opinion.*



Go Rest High On That Mountain lyrics
Songwriters: Gill, Vince;

I know your life on earth was troubled
And only you could know the pain
You weren't afraid to face the Devil
You were no stranger to the rain

Go rest high on that mountain
Son your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Oh, how we cried the day you left us
We gathered round your grave to grieve
Wish I could see the angels' faces
When they hear your sweet voice sing

So go rest high on that mountain
Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

So go rest high on that mountain
Son, your work on earth is done
Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

Go to Heaven a shoutin'
Love for the Father and the Son

I Watched Someone Die Not Once, But Twice!

Today is World Alzheimer's Day. Do you know of someone that has been touched by this awful disease? Or, are you yourself inflicted with it?

My grandmother (Nana) had Alzheimer's. It started off slowly when I was still living in Nevada. Actually, I take that back. I strongly believe for her, it started while we were all still living in California, where I was born and primarily raised.

At first, it was very subtle. Nana would place something down in a pretty conspicuous place, where anyone with pretty good eyes (and back then, they were pretty good for her) could clearly see the object in question. Only, minutes later, she would get up and do whatever, only to search long and hard for what she "misplaced" moments earlier. When one of us (being myself, my dad, or my step-mom) would find it sitting practically in front of our face, we all would just laugh it off and chalk it up to Nana having a "blond moment".

But as time wore on, and after we moved to Nevada, things with Nana's memory was getting worse. And worrisome. She had gotten to a point where she could tell you about her childhood and teen years, but could not recite to you what she ate for dinner the night before.

Eventually, long after my dad and step-mother divorced, Nana's Alzheimer's really took a hold of her, along with the other factoring health problems (such as her COPD and her Emphysema). At this point, my father's own health was starting to rapidly decline, due mainly to the stress of being his mother's primary caregiver. Even with outside resources stepping in to help with her care...

Eventually, there was no other choice. And it was primarily for my father's health and sanity, that Nana was placed in to a Nursing Care Facility. Not too long after her transfer to the home, her mental status declined dramatically.

No longer could she tell you what she ate just a couple of hours before, for dinner or any other meal. Now, my father became my uncle. Because whenever my dad went in (almost daily) to see her, Nana thought that he was her oldest son, not my father. That really tore him apart inside. No longer was he the son that was REALLY there, and that was her main caretaker.

About a year or so after her entrance in to the Nursing Home, and at the point where that God-awful disease, Alzheimer's robbed my grandmother of her mental faculties completely, I got the call that I was dreading for the last couple of years. The day before her birthday, no less.

That next VERY early morning, I hopped on the first of THREE planes (stupid layovers!) to get to her, hopefully in time. She was in the hospital, her organs shutting down. Her mind now ravaged savagely by the Alzheimer's. They gave her (at best) 24 hours. It was then about the 23 to 25 hour mark when I got in to Reno, and hence to the hospital with my dad.

Somewhere in between his waiting for me at the airport and us getting to the hospital, Nana apparently suffered a Stroke. Her Hernia that she developed made her look AT LEAST seven months pregnant.

At one point, I had to leave the room. I could no longer take seeing her in that condition. For me, that was NOT *my* grandmother. That was *not* the same woman, by looking at her, that helped to raise me the rest of the way after my mother's death in 1989. So, as calmly as I could, I told her I would be back in a bit, as to let her rest.

For a brief moment in time, she had a twinge of clarity within her ravaged mind. Which of course, by then was moments that were far and few in between. She started mumbling and her hands started to go erratic. She was (in the only way she could, being she couldn't speak due to the stroke) trying to tell me not to leave her. She was getting so upset, I told her (through yelling, being the stroke damaged the nerves in her ears) I'd be back. She calmed a bit, but not much..Finally I had to leave. I almost got sick all over the ward's floor from seeing what I did. It was horrific..

Before that point, all she did was breath and stare at the ceiling without literally batting an eyelash. That alone brought me back to being 12-years-old and seeing my mother in pretty much the same condition after her stroke. For me, history was repeating it's self and rearing its ugly head before my very eyes.

The next day, we went back. She made it through her birthday. But later that next evening, something inside me said to NOT go and see her when they transferred her back to the Nursing Home. To die.

Not even an hour after I had changed my mind, we got *THE* call. She was gone. Free now, from the pain that she had to endure at the end. And finally, Alzheimer's Disease no longer had it's horrible grip upon her mind. She was free.

A few years later, my father and I were talking about Nana. He finally admitted something to me. Years before, when Hayley and Bryce were 2 years and 3 months of age, it was the ONLY time that she (Nana) was able to see, touch and hold her great-grand-babies. I'm so happy she was. And he even posted a family picture of us on her Nursing Home room's wall.

It came out in this conversation with Dad, that about a month before she passed away, Nana had forgotten who I was. She would look at the picture and without missing a beat, would ask my father who it was (the young lady) in the picture that was on her wall. Then she would ask about my (now) husband, Scott and the kids.

To hear that she no longer remembered the woman whom she helped raise tore me apart inside. It made me angry. Not at her, but at the disease. It made me resentful. Why me? Why did that nasty disease have to rob me of her, and in turn, her of me?

It's truly sickening to watch and know of someone you love, and that (more than likely) took care of you, just waste away to practically nothing. It is a disease I don't care to wish upon my worst enemy.

For me and my father, we didn't lose our mother and grandmother just once in our lives. We had to endure losing her twice. The first time, she was 'dead', but still breathing. And that is the worst kind of death, in my mind, to see someone you love go through.

If you wish to know more about Alzheimer's disease and it's history of origin, please CLICK HERE.

Gone, but was never forgotten. Eight years later...

I'm not going to rant, spout off on anything, or joke around. Today is a solemn day. Because reality had set in. With a look at one piece of paper and a package.

Sure, over on Facebook, I was all jokes and laughs. I think it was my way of dealing with what was about to come to my door, and back in to my life. Now, it is here. And the jokes have since stopped. Reflection has taken its place.

I finally got my grandmother's ashes. Eight years after her passing. She arrived here from Nevada on her birthday (8/26) & I missed her.

Then, they tried to deliver her on her Death Anniversary (8/27). I finally got her from the USPO yesterday.

After getting the box open, and pulling her cremains box out, Scott found an envelope with a copy of her Transport-Burial certificate (also served partially as a death cert.).

It was then, as I had seen the DOD, and the place she died, that I finally broke down, as I carried her to the place I want her to be (for now). I had the flash of those last 2 days before her death hit me. And I was mourning her all over again. Even if it was just for a brief moment.

To see this finally over, after almost a decade, for it to come to a close, it the end of longing for me. At least where my Nana is concerned.

She never placed on the papers of whom she wanted to have her cremains sent (family wise) when she filled out the paperwork to donate her body to University of Nevada, Reno.

It looked like the Medical School had her for just under a year. The signature date for cremation was 4-4-2003, which placed it at almost nine months after her date of death.

Holding Nana in my arms, after all of these years was bitter-sweet for me. I wish it was her in the flesh. Even just for a moment, to REALLY hold her, hug on her and tell her how much I love her still...Even though we had our battles as she helped raise me after my mom died. It was more of a generational battle than anything.

At least she is home, with her family, where she belongs. No longer is she encased within a Nitch for those that have gone unclaimed. To them she was 'just a number'. To me, and to my dad, she is much more than that. And now, her death has come full circle.

In fact, there is now a little running joke that was started by one of Scott's Aunts. She said that she bets that Nana got to go to more places in death, than she did in life. She's right! Nana really got around in life. But she REALLY got around in death.

Volunteering. It's that time again.

Have you ever done it? Volunteering, I mean. In your child's school.

Did you know that as a Volunteer, you do NOT have to work at the school its self? You can do some things as a Volunteer in the privacy and comfort of your own home, as well.

And another bonus? You do not have to have a child at the school to be a volunteer! You can be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle. Or just a local neighbor that wishes to lend a helping hand.

Some of the things that you can do at home as a Volunteer would be...

Cutting out soup labels or boxtops.

Make phone calls to get others to supply things such as snacks and juices for events.

Cut out letters, numbers, shapes and other needed decorations for classrooms or other areas of the school you choose to help.

There are also many things you can help with within the school's setting. And you do NOT have to be with your child's class, either.

You can...

Be a Room Parent that coordinates and heads class parties as per the school's allotment.

Help in the Library.

Help with Reading Classes.

Assist at the school's Book Fair(s) that are held once or even twice a year.

Help with After School Activities (such as dances).

There is something for EVERYONE to do. Talents and knowledge within all types of areas are needed and encouraged to be filled.

You just do not know how even (what seems to be) the simplest of "jobs" you do, be it from home, or within the school, can affect the children you serve, and the staff.

Kids and the staff need outside help and resources to let the kids benefit the best that they can while in their instructional setting.

Plus, it gives you an up-close, upfront, and personal view of what REALLY does go on in the school environment and classrooms.

This year, I'm looking to add a couple more hats to being a Volunteer. The Principal and I had talked while I was at Orientation with Skyler, who is going in to Kindergarten this year.

We are going to look at me getting a "promotion" to Co-Volunteer-Coordinator, for one thing. The Volunteer Coordinator is dealing with a lot of health issues and having to travel much due to a family member being ill. She was gone a good portion of last school year, and I took over. So, I know what the entire job entails. And I gladly welcome the challenge.

And then, I will be sitting on not just one, but two Parent Advisory Boards. One for the school it's self, and the other where parents from ALL of the schools in each school zone come together and state (as a representative of your school and your zone/ward)in front of the School Board what WE as parents, and as reps, would like to see done differently, added, or taken away from 'policy'.

At the school-level, I would bring back to the meetings, what was discussed and decided upon at the School Board level, we would let the Principal know what we want to see for our individual school, and we would help decide on certain things of what to change, add, or remove.

So, it seems that overall, I'm going to be a busy bee where school is concerned, more so than last year. And I do plan on doing my three-days-per-week volunteering in the classrooms and wherever else I am needed.

I'm honestly at my happiest points after I have done a few hours at the school. It's so very rewarding. Not just for the kids and the staff. But for myself as well. I get to walk away each time, knowing I made a difference in a child's life. Even if it's just a scratch upon the surface.

Once the kids (that don't) get to know me, and I them, there is a very special bond. And yes, I may even collect a few favorites. It's really not hard to do. And the kids that know me from last year will come up and see me. I look forward to those that will do so, to come running up to me and give me my 'daily' hug. I'll be asked if I could lunch with one here or there. And knowing me, I won't be able to resist the puppy dog eyes and cave in.

Really, when I think of it, I don't know who gets more out of volunteering. Us, the Volunteers, or the kids that come to know us and look for us to be darting down the halls, maybe to their classrooms.

Please, if you have never done so, or think you cannot, do try to volunteer at least once within a local school. It's a gift that keeps on giving every time you do something to make a difference in a child's world. I wouldn't trade this gift in for anything.

Letting Go...Not That Easy (get out the tissues)

Over at FaceBook, I do this one application called "On This Day,God Wants You To Know". While I am a Christian, I am not very devout. I believe, and I do read the Bible. I pray for others as needed and felt led to.

With these "messages" from God, it gives you these little encouraging tidbits on how to improve your life, or of someone around you, and lets you know that you aren't alone.

Today's read for me as follows...

"On this day, God wants you to know... that it's time you let go. Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest."

Above this, I had stated in the status area... (my words)

"It's not so much for me, but someone else that this is going to be hard to do. A lifetime can't be let go of that easily. Although, I DID get a lifetime of what I lacked in just one decade. For that I'm forever grateful."

You see, I had grown up since infancy with only my two grandmothers. Both of my grandfathers were dead. One passed a year or around there before my birth. The other died in Germany, during World War II when MY dad was only six months old.

The only 'grandfather' I had was my Great-Grandfather. But he passed away when I was six years old. And I don't have much memory of him or our time together, sadly.

For years and years, I often wondered what having a grandfather in my life would be like. I wondered what my grandfathers would have done with me activity-wise. Fishing, walks, talks about yesteryear. Even throwing a ball around would have been nice (being I was a tomboy).

After Scott and I had gotten together, I started meeting his folks. Good, southern, country-hospitality type of people. Love of family, country and God. Then one day, it was time for my first experience meeting the WHOLE side of Scott's dad's kin. WOW!! Think about this, his grandparents, their SEVEN kids, and THEIR other halves. Then add in all of THEIR kids. And even some more kids after that. LOTS of people.

Almost instantaneously, his grandparents took me under their wing and called me "just another of their grandkids". I have since then had a surprising and unexpectedly unique place in my heart for those two. Especially Scott's grandfather. He is a man of a few words. He has hands of steel. But also full of love. Even now, in his frailty. He has ALWAYS been good and kind to my oldest child and daughter, Hayley, who is from my first marriage. He (as well as Scott's grandma and the rest of the crew) treats her like she has ALWAYS been a Cowart. Nothing less.

For him and his family to take my daughter and I in to their hearts as they have, I will ALWAYS be grateful, thankful and filled with pride.

This past Saturday, we had the annual family picnic/reunion. This year though, everyone (except an aunt, Scott and a nephew, due to work schedule conflicts mainly) was there. It was great to see. Everyone was smiling, laughing, reminiscing, and just sharing of themselves.

This is also most likely the last one with the patriarch of the family. Big Papa (Scott's grandfather) has been steadily declining over the last year. At this time last year, he was hospitalized, and we thought he was not going to make it. He did. And they gave him six more months to live...Just over six months ago.

We all know that the inevitable is coming. It's no longer a matter of if, but of when. And with only ten percent of Big Papa's heart working, we know that time is most certainly precious for each day that we all still have him in our lives.

I've suffered some of the worst loss imaginable as a child. I lost my mother when I was twelve years old. Scott has lost a couple of uncles that I know of, and his Maternal Grandparents (one before birth and one at eight years old).

Losing a cousin or an aunt or uncle is one thing. But to lose a parent at a young age is just in a way fatefully cruel. Losing a grandparent so far in to adulthood yourself, can deal a huge blow to your heart.

Scott's going to take this hard. He is quite close with Big Papa and Big Grandma. It will really be his first major loss that he will understand. And it's already killing both of us inside.

I was actually not going to go. I had my reasons. But then I changed my mind. Now, I am glad I did. And I even got a few pictures of the kids with their great-grandparents.

After getting home and staring at the one of the girls with Big Papa, Skyler sitting on his lap, and him looking SO happy, it hit me. This was quite possibly THE last time I myself will see him alive, being I don't get to personally see them that much. Nor do the kids.

Thanks to that man, he gave me in ten years, what I yearned for, for practically my entire life. To know what it's like to have a grandfather in your life. And I was fortunate enough to receive this BEAUTIFUL gift from him.

It's going to be hard for me when his journey here is over. But I know it will be much, MUCH harder for Scott. And I can only hope and pray now, that when the time comes, I will be the rock he needs me to be. To be the comfort he needs. To have the right words when he asks "why" and "how".

Yes, we all must let go. Of past hurts, of anger and of sadness. But at times, knowing you must let go makes you want to hold on even tighter due to the fear of the loss. Letting go of those that are most important in your life in ANY means can be difficult. But there are those very special someone's that it seems IMPOSSIBLE that you have to let them go.

And Big Papa is going to be one of them.