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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I'm "Pouring Out My Heart" as I am "Cleaning Out My Closet".

I decided to "double dip" today, which is really a rare thing. Today, this post will serve as both a participant in Shell's



..and For The Love Of Blog's (Vic's)

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As most of my readers know, I required a Corneal Transplant back in October of 2009. I had a bad infection invade the eye its self, then it also eroded the cornea. But I perforated the entire cornea when I accidentally poked myself in the eye.

While I have fairly good eyesight (colors, some shape, light) I still have problems. One being a cataract that will eventually need removal. I still have eight of sixteen stithces left to go.

I have my good days. But lately, I have had a rough go. I don't often complain on here or on Facebook or Twitter. I don't want to sound like a "whiner".

And most people, if they don't understand that a transplant is NOT a "cure all" think that the recipient must be ALWAYS happy and feel "lucky".

In all honesty, lately I've had some trouble where infection is TRYING to attack again. Not bad, but in an annoying way. I am working on getting it calmed as we speak.Add in sinus trouble also making my eye a bit unnerved and it's an all out "party"

Sometimes, I wish that they did take the eye. Then I'd have no more drops, no more stitches needing to removed. No cataract to be taken out. No mounting doctor bills for "after care" that constantly come at me. And no chance of needing a SECOND transplant later on down the road.

Is it selfish and ungrateful of me to think and feel this way? Maybe. But I also feel that my children have been through enough with their mother having one set back after another with her eye in one way or another.

Yes, I am so very thankful to my donor and their family. Without their gift, I would have no sight at all. But also my children and I are paying a price. As is my husband. Not just monetarily.

Organ and tissue transplants are not the cure all to the problem with that organ or tissue. In fact, you go from having one set of problems, to a new kind of set. Mainly dealing with the chance of rejection. It CAN happne a day later or many years down the road. And we live in the thought of "is this the day that it all goes downhill and we have to start over again?". It's not a life I wish on anyone. Even for "just an eye".

I'm angry. At my skin condition that invaded my eye. I'm angry at myself for not getting that under control sooner. I'm angry that my body turned against me. I'm angry that another family had to suffer a loss. I'm angry that it took someone to die for me to be able to see with both of my eyes.

While I may smile and "look" or even "sound" happy on the outside, inside, especially right now, I'm screaming and seething. Because right now, I feel that I have lost a battle (again) that I have fought hard to win and overcome for the last year and a half.

9 comments:

Vic said...

wow...i had no idea and i'm truly sorry you must deal with this! how painful emotionally and physically! i could only imagine and wish you the best because you certainly deserve it! i'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully you will overcome this! xoxo

Adrienne said...

I can see how all of the aftermath would be a lot to handle. I think it's normal to be frustrated. You can be frustarted and grateful at the same time! :) Stopping by from Shell's place.

Ross said...

Don't be mad that your body turned on you. Six years ago my body turned against me leaving me with the disease CRPS. Use the energy that would be used for getting mad towards getting better. It is such a mental battle day in and day out isn't it. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

purseblogger said...

Oh wow. I cannot imagine what you've gone through. I am so sorry you are having to go through all this. Prayers being said.

*found you thru PYHO

Shell said...

You're just being honest about how you really feel, instead of going along with how you/others think you should feel.

You've been through a lot.

Bella @ If This is Motherhood said...

Hugs to you. Here from PYHO.

I really hope things get better for you.

No. 7 said...

I'm so sorry to read what you've been dealing with for the past year and a half. I agree with Ross, take your anger and use it to fight back!
I was born with a hemangioma in my right eye and had 5 eye surgeries as a child. Eye surgery sucks. I am blind in that eye and that sucks to, but I have never known any difference. You're in my prayers for a speedy recovery.

Mich said...

Thanks for PYHO. I'm sure that wasn't easy to do. You've been through a lot. And it's okay to have bad days and to feel sorry for yourself.
I think it takes the bad days to remind us of how lucky we really are. You're still here. And it sucks that you're going through all of this, but it definitely beats the alternative.
And some days, we just need to feel sorry for ourselves. Today is your day.
I truly hope things get better for you.
Mich

Susi said...

Well, it's definitely ok to be angry and upset for bad things happening to us! I know transplants can cause a lot of troubles. A friend's father had a terrible accident with acid at work and injured both his eyes very badly. He's had stem cell transplants in his eyes (not sure if both) and I know there's a lot of troubles around the medications he has to take. I sometimes meet patients who had lung transplants.. they are often affected by chronic bacteria invasion... so you're absolutely right, transplants don't cure all the problems, they may fix the worst problem, but also causes new ones. I hope your eye will stay as healthy as is possible. Hang in there and try to let go of the guilt. Even if you got a gift that saved your eye sight, you still have right to be upset for certain things!

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