Putting My Worst Face Foward...

I didn't always see myself as "pretty". In honestly any sense of the word.

I was your average American tomboy girl. I loved being barefoot, in jeans or shorts and a comfy shirt. I hated dresses and makeup. In fact, I rarely, if ever wear either of the latter to this day. And I'm about to turn thirty-five.

As a teen, I had your basic teen acne. Or so I'd thought. I had some pretty icky breakouts. Especially around the time of a hormonal flux at the nearing of my menstrual cycle.

After years of trying everything, by my 19th birthday, it all just went away. I went on with my life. Had gotten married, had a child, divorced. Remarried, had two more children. Also I'd lost a child in between the middle and youngest.

That's also when my breakouts came back. Right near the loss of that baby in 2003. And they came back with a vengeance.

After having my youngest child, who is now seven years old, and in the First Grade, things only had become worse. But I figured that over time, with my hormones getting back to a normal level, everything would just clear up again.

Oh how WRONG was I with that assumption. If anything, they had become worse.

By the time she was a year old, my face went to looking like this with Rosacea...

And yes, it steadily got worse than this. To the point that it hurt me emotionally, psychologically and even socially.

I hated leaving my home. I didn't like to be out in public. Not looking like that! People would stare. Little children would ask what happened to my face, as they pointed and had that look of disgust upon their faces.

There were times that I was even embarrassed to be around my family, wondering what they thought of how I looked. On occasion certain members of the family would "grill" me on what I ate, what I used to clean my face and whatnot.

I did NOTHING wrong. I ate NOTHING wrong. It was NOT my fault. But it certainly felt like I did SOMETHING wrong.

Eventually the Rosacea went in to an area of the body I had NEVER heard of it even being possible.

My eyes. But it primarily attacked my left eyeball. And I went to a Ophthalmologist who sadly MISTREATED me for the wrong infection. In the end, the Ocular Rosacea (Subtype 4) ate away most of the cornea (outer window of the pupil that is your eye's lens) in the left eye.

At times, my face looked like this man's...

And yes, my eye would like like the one in this picture...

In the end, after my cornea had perforated (had a hole in it), I looked like this..

Not even two weeks later, thanks to Ocular Rosacea eating away my cornea, I had no choice but to have an emergency-based Corneal Transplant (Keratoplasty) and required a full graft of another person's cornea after they had died and were an organ/tissue donor.

Here I am 2-weeks post-op...

And here I am 2 YEARS later...

As for the Rosacea, it is now under control!! I am on Doxycycline pills. And will most likely be on and off of them for the rest of my life.

Plus, soon, seeing as I can no longer have children, we are going to try a cream medication after removing me from the Doxycycline pills in a few months. And if need be, I may even end up being on both to ensure that when I have an "attack of the pimple kind", it will not be that bad, and will be staved off from being inside my eye.

Here I am today, pimple/Rosacea free (for the most part)...

I still have breakouts. Mainly around my cycle. But it's now just a bump here and a bump there. Yes, they CAN be painful, swelled and very red. But at least I'm NOWHERE near as horrible looking as back in the time of my youngest being a baby.

I'm more confident, knowledgeable about my conditions and am no longer afraid to walk out of my home, only to face ridicule from strangers young and old.

Distorting the FACTS from the MYTHS About Organ/Tissue/Eye Donation

The following are the Myths and the Facts about being or becoming an Organ/Tissue/Eye Donor.

Information (copy/pasted) is provided by the Mayo Clinic.

Myth: If I agree to donate my organs, the hospital staff won't work as hard to save my life.

Fact: When you go to the hospital for treatment, doctors focus on saving your life — not somebody else's. You'll be seen by a doctor whose specialty most closely matches your particular emergency. The doctor in charge of your care has nothing to do with transplantation.
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Myth: Maybe I won't really be dead when they sign my death certificate.

Fact: Although it's a popular topic in the tabloids, in reality, people don't start to wiggle their toes after they're declared dead. In fact, people who have agreed to organ donation are given more tests (at no charge to their families) to determine that they're truly dead than are those who haven't agreed to organ donation.
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Myth: Organ donation is against my religion.

Fact: Organ donation is consistent with the beliefs of most religions. This includes Catholicism, Protestantism, Islam and most branches of Judaism. If you're unsure of or uncomfortable with your faith's position on donation, ask a member of your clergy. Another option is to check the federal Web site OrganDonor.gov, which provides religious views on organ donation and transplantation by denomination.
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Myth: I'm under age 18. I'm too young to make this decision.

Fact: That's true, in a legal sense. But your parents can authorize this decision. You can express to your parents your wish to donate, and your parents can give their consent knowing that it's what you wanted. Children, too, are in need of organ transplants, and they usually need organs smaller than those an adult can provide.
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Myth: An open-casket funeral isn't an option for people who have donated organs or tissues.

Fact: Organ and tissue donation doesn't interfere with having an open-casket funeral. The donor's body is clothed for burial, so there are no visible signs of organ or tissue donation. For bone donation, a rod is inserted where bone is removed. With skin donation, a very thin layer of skin similar to a sunburn peel is taken from the donor's back. Because the donor is clothed and lying on his or her back in the casket, no one can see any difference.
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Myth: I'm too old to donate. Nobody would want my organs.

Fact: There's no defined cutoff age for donating organs. Organs have been successfully transplanted from donors in their 70s and 80s. The decision to use your organs is based on strict medical criteria, not age. Don't disqualify yourself prematurely. Let the doctors decide at your time of death whether your organs and tissues are suitable for transplantation.
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Myth: I'm not in the best of health. Nobody would want my organs or tissues.

Fact: Very few medical conditions automatically disqualify you from donating organs. The decision to use an organ is based on strict medical criteria. It may turn out that certain organs are not suitable for transplantation, but other organs and tissues may be fine. Don't disqualify yourself prematurely. Only medical professionals at the time of your death can determine whether your organs are suitable for transplantation.
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Myth: I'd like to donate one of my kidneys now, but I wouldn't be allowed to do that unless one of my family members is in need.

Fact: While that used to be the case, it isn't any longer. Whether it's a distant family member, friend or complete stranger you want to help, you can donate a kidney through certain transplant centers. If you decide to become a living donor, you will undergo extensive questioning to ensure that you are aware of the risks and that your decision to donate isn't based on financial gain. You will also undergo testing to determine if your kidneys are in good shape and whether you can live a healthy life with just one kidney.
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Myth: Rich and famous people go to the top of the list when they need a donor organ.

Fact: The rich and famous aren't given priority when it comes to allocating organs. It may seem that way because of the amount of publicity generated when celebrities receive a transplant, but they are treated no differently from anyone else. In fact, the United Network for Organ Sharing (UNOS), the organization responsible for maintaining the national organ transplant network, subjects all celebrity transplants to an internal audit to make sure the organ allocation was appropriate.
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Myth: My family will be charged if I donate my organs.

Fact: The organ donor's family is never charged for donating. The family is charged for the cost of all final efforts to save your life, and those costs are sometimes misinterpreted as costs related to organ donation. Costs for organ removal go to the transplant recipient.

Dec. 1st is World AIDS Day

Will you join me? I urge you, if you are on TWITTER, MySpace, or on FaceBook, to RIGHT CLICK, then copy the picture above of the Red Ribbon and use it as your profile picture for today in support of bringing awareness to AIDS and to support in finding a cure.

My cousin Raymond (who I have blogged about before many moons ago) was a victim of HIV/AIDS. He died when I was fourteen years old (almost TWENTY years ago). I was there, along with my grandmother, his mother, and his sister and her husband as Ray drew on his last breaths.

To see him struggle and fight on that last day was beyond heart breaking. As a "child" to be witness to such a horrific scene, it was unimaginable to see death in it's raw form. And in one of it's worst ways. I held his hand and told him it was okay to let go.

He was more than my cousin. He was my "brother". He loved me as if I was almost his. We went places all the time together. Hung out listening to Madonna and Prince. We watched movies.

And I even ate off his fork and took sips from his glass of drink. And I hugged him and kissed him (on the lips) all of the time.

Unlike his own REAL siblings and mother, I did *not* live in fear of his disease...Or of him. So he was "sick" with HIV/AIDS. He was still a human being. And I treated him the same AFTER he became sick, just as I did BEFORE he started showing the signs of full-blown AIDS.

Yes, Raymond was Gay. All out, too. He had the "walk", the "talk", and the "mannerisms" of a truly "Gay" man. That to me, made him even more lovable. Don't ask me why, because to this day, I can't pinpoint the reason.

When he died, it forever left an aching hole within my heart. I didn't lose my cousin. I lost my brother. And for a "technically" only child, that was a loss almost to great for me to bear.

Sadly at the end, I noticed relief in his mother and sister. And for the wrong reasons. It seemed like they were "relieved" to be rid of the "eye sore" of the family. The "problem child" that supposedly brought shame upon their family name. As well as humiliation. And that in its self SICKENED me.

NO ONE should have to "hide" their disease and live in fear of those that are SUPPOSED TO love them UNCONDITIONALLY, no matter HOW the disease was spread to them, be it through unprotected sex, an open wound, or tainted bags of blood from a donation.

I'm a straight, married mother of three beautiful children. I could be in a serious car accident today and require a blood transfusion. And it could POSSIBLY be tainted with the HIV/AIDS infection. Yes, screening has gotten much better since their testing abilities of the 1980's. But science and medicine are NOT perfect and could miss that one bag of blood.

A friend and I could both get cut and they accidentally taint my blood with the infection.

If I contracted AIDS, how would YOU view me? Would I be a Leper? Would you (especially if you don't know me from Eve) ASSUME that I am in a homosexual (Lesbian) relationship?

Or would you extend your hand and your heart to me and my family? Would you shake my hand and hug me? Maybe even playfully take a sip from my glass.

What would you do? After all, those with HIV/AIDS have a right to be treated as human beings, too.

Judging A Book By Its Cover...In This Case, Blog Posts.

Judgment. We all do it at some point in our lives. We may judge a person just by their looks or behavior. We might judge a place, just by secondhand "word of mouth" and decide to NOT go and look for ourselves. Or we judge a book, article or post by it's title, and refuse to read it because we automatically assume it's viewpoints are of a disgusting nature. And in turn, we once again base our opinion of not only the subject within the post, but we tend to judge the author as well.

This very thing happened with the previous post here on Homemaker Diary. Because someone had misread and in turn, misinterpreted the title to the post, taking it that I TRULY do believe in the nature as what the title "sounded like", I was made out to be a racist, controversy-seeking moron. When in fact, I am FAR from that "truth". And the post was named what I chose as to drive home a point. NOT to state what I truly felt.

If I honestly believed in the fashion that I had chosen for the title of my previous blog entry, then the "..." would not have surrounded the title's name. Hence I would have stated that I did indeed think/feel in that manner. But, I used the "..." to show the audacity of such a statement and show what I was about to write about.

Sadly, someone misconstrued the title with the ".." around it to mean that it was the title to the blog it's self and the statement that I really do think in the fashion of the title. And this person was only half right. And being that they flat out decided to not read the post in it's entirety, they missed out on the TRUE meaning and reflection of the post at hand. If anything, my post was speaking AGAINST such a statement. Towards ANY race/color.

If this person had swallowed their pride and not gone off half cocked, then maybe, just MAYBE they would have in the end agreed with me. Even after posting the main points from the blog its self, they still refused to read it. All because they decided blindly on the title's name.

If you wish to check out the post in reference, CLICK HERE.

This is what is wrong with the world today, in my opinion. And no, I am not innocent. Not by any means. To say otherwise would be stating an all out lie. ALL OF US are too quick to judge in this world. From skin color, to people with disabilities, to literally judging books (or in this case, blog posts) by their covers.

I lived my life with judgment all around me. Because of something I could not help. I looked different from my peers. I was not mentally challenged in any form of the word. But because I slightly looked different, with a trache in my throat, it left me open to automatic judging. Even by adults!

This is why I cannot stand ANY KIND of intolerance of any kind.Be it racial, ethnic, physically or mentally challenged, and a host of others. When you automatically "ASS"ume (which makes an ass out of U & ME) about a person, place or even an article BEFORE getting to know them or read the material, it doesn't make the offended look bad. It makes the offender look closed-minded and depending on the case, looking like a bigot and a hypocrite.

Personally, I would much rather read the article/post or get to know the person or place for MYSELF, **BEFORE** passing judgment upon it/them or making my opinion known. To do so leaves you looking less like a jackass.

This is for ANYONE, not just my "regular readers" for future reference...If you have nothing nice to say, being you are too closed-minded and/or scared to read something, be it here or on any other blogs, then here is a suggestion for you (and you the guilty, know who you are)...DO NOT SAY A WORD. Being you wish to predict what the post/article is about BEFORE reading it (if you choose to do so at all), and in turn closing yourself off to other's points of view, only to stay within your comfort zone I call Fantasy Island and not possibly gain a different perspective about the world around you.

ADHD...

As a mother, it is hard to watch your child struggle. What are ordinary, everyday tasks and expectations to us, is a ball of confusion and frustration for our kids.

Sitting still. Focusing. Being organized. Paying attention to the instructor. Following multiple directions at a rapid pace.

Sounds like a lot, and even a bit confusing to you? I'm sure that it does. But to my son, and to millions of other children in the United States alone, it is a hardship for them every single day to keep up with those tasks while in the classroom, and even at home.

Constantly, I have to remind my hyper, active, not-very-attentive son to complete this task first, so he can move on to the next. Then, after that, I have to remind him to let me check his work against his Agenda, to ensure that he completed the assignments. Then, and only then, may he have his computer or his TV time.

The same goes for his household chores. And the teachers have to stay on top of Bryce as well, being he can fall off of the track pretty quick, and pretty often.

Case in point.. Bryce was found to be sitting in the hall, by his Science and Social Studies Teacher's room. Apparently, he was disrupting the class and "poking at" one girl constantly. After being told to finally move himself to an area where he could be alone, he started to bawl and be belligerent. So, the teacher sent him to the hall.

Then, at snack time, when the Mixed Berries were passed out, he couldn't have any, being that the kitchen never made him a separate bowl without the Blackberries, being he is allergic to them. He went buck wild, pitching a fit, not concentrating on the teacher's explanation, and saying he was being abused because she was "starving" him.

It's not ALL stemming from his ADHD. The lashing out is from another disorder he is inflicted with. But the "poking" of the child, his fidgeting, his lack of concentration, and organization skills, as well as his hyperness, even in his talking to others is a part of the ADHD that he has. Bryce has the more severe form of the disorder.

And yes, he is on medication therapy for it. He takes Vyvanse in the morning, before school. His Intuniv is taken before bedtime. It also serves as a sleep aide, being that his brain stays in "overdrive". The Intuniv relaxes the centers in the brain to control his sleep pattern. And it helps him focus on going to sleep, along with his bedtime routine rituals.

One thing that I have noted the last few years, as the parent of an ADHD child that is medicated, is that most (not all, mind you) teachers think that the medication is the "magic cure-all" for the ADHD while the child is in their classroom. That cannot be further from the truth.

While the medications DO help the child stay focused, attentive, and with less likelihood to blurt out or talk out of turn (or even go way off the topic at hand), the medicines can only control those points to a certain extent.

The remainder of the ADHD child's success relies upon both the child's willingness to gain SELF-control and SELF-discipline, as well as the teacher's willingness to work with the child to achieve those same goals that ADHD students need to be successful students.

This may mean giving the ADHD child a separate desk area, where fellow students will not be a distraction. Or even asking the child if the student is understanding and able to follow the lesson. The teacher can't be "all mouth". They must be about action as well. This means walking around, using hand gestures. Anything to keep the ADHD child engaged in the lesson.

On average, the typical ADHD child can give you no more than fifteen minutes of their attention. For the ones with severe ADHD, you are lucky, and I mean LUCKY, to get ten minutes of their attention, being most severe cases have an attention span of only five minutes.

Too many teachers rely on medication therapy. And anti-medicating advocates talk about us parents? MOST of us parents tried EVERYTHING else under the sun for our children BEFORE going the "pill route".

Our child's first line of defense of course, are the parents. Then, the doctors and therapeutic team. Teachers though, as well as the other school staff round out the team for these kids. We ALL have to work together to help these children with ADHD be successful . Within the classroom setting, as well as out in the community and within the world.

So, remember that while ADHD medications DO help, it's far from being the "cure-all" route of having a successful child. One-on-one working with your child (or student, if that is the case), providing the appropriate tools for success, and helping them to build their SELF-esteem and SELF-control are the REAL keys for having an ADHD child that is well-rounded, adjusted, organized and an overall good student in the classroom and beyond.

One of the *most* controversial videos in music history...

While the above is not the original video (thanks to embedding being disabled), 'Like A Prayer' by Madonna is one of the most controversial music videos of all time. If you were to watch the real deal, you will see the following...

Yes, my friends, these pictures contain blasphemous things. Oh the horror!!

There is a black Jesus. And there are burning crosses. Along with a Church Choir.

Who ever said that Jesus IS a white man? He was raised a Jew in Nazareth. So, technically, the man was not black, nor was he a white man.

As for the crosses that are burning, they are to symbolize the time in which this video's story takes place. Back when the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) reined supreme, primarily in the South. And if you read about our nation's "lovely" history about racial segregation and the severe and violent racism, you would "get it" that the burning crosses are telling of that piece of the south's history and their HATRED of the black communities.

As for the Church Choir, I like it. Those people singing bring the song full circle to me. And they are helping to tell the story of their ancestors of the past, while they were mistreated, feared and hated in the time of the KKK. And it shows how African Americans were blamed for practically anything and everything back then, as well.

Look how the black man helps Madonna's character after two WHITE men beat her and are about to rape her. The cops locked up the black guy, they didn't run after the REAL culprits. Racial profiling was running rampant back then as well.

Even today, in the new millennium, this video gets A LOT of flack. Mainly by the Christian sect. And mainly due to the fact that Madonna has crosses burning as she is dancing. It wasn't to be blasphemous or for "shock value". It was to show the REAL history of our nation, in a time when being even friends, let alone being in a relationship with a black person was one of the MOST vile things a white person could do.

If people who jump and holler about 'Like A Prayer' were to sit down and REALLY watch the video, as well as listen to the words, then maybe, just maybe they would see it is not a "video of Satan".

Blog Carnivals, Being Me and Followers.

What I am about to say will most likely piss MANY of you readers off. And I'm sorry for that, but I will not sugar-coat, nor will I sit here silent. And I sure as hell won't fake being happy, when in reality, I am not.

If this means I lose any followers/readers, then so be it. I would rather have followers that REALLY DO read my postings, and even leave an occasional comment. Rather than having someone "following" me only to have my blog serve the purpose of placing another "I'm Following" blog under the belt loop as to make YOU look good.

There are many, upon many blogging carnivals. So many, it really is hard to keep up and even remember all of their names.

Pretty much all of my life, I have never been one to be in a clique or an "in" crowd. And I don't see myself doing so now at my age (almost 34).

There are a few carnivals that I DO participate in. But it's a sporadic involvement. Those would be Weekend Warriors, Post-It-Note Tuesday, and What I Meant To Say Wednesdays, as well as one or two others.

When I write, I do it from the heart. What you read/see, is what you get. The REAL me. I have NEVER, EVER claimed to be anything more or less than what you see me type.

As of late, with all the drama BS I have seen, read, and heard about lately, especially pertaining to certain carnivals, I am more happy now than EVER that I don't really participate in them.

Most of the carnivals only (in my mind and eyes) seem to instigate cliques, fights and anonymous postings by those that don't have the brass balls to put their name to their shame.

My mama taught me (before her death) that I am somebody. Me. And that is all I will need to be, for those that will want to, to like me. For who I AM. Not for who I am POSING to be.

So, while I may take part in carnivals from time to time, they are the type that let me be ME. Let me feel in control of my writing. I refuse to play the "you follow me, I'll follow you" bit. Either you follow, or you don't.

And if we follow one another, then it would be LOVELY to see you comment on *MY* page once in a while. Instead of seeing me making all the moves and commenting on *YOUR* posts. Where's the love? Not on my page, I can say that.

That's one of the main reasons as well that I do NOT partake in carnivals. Because I know for a fact, with everything going on around in my daily REAL life, that I would NEVER be able to go and comment back to those that I participated with. At least not *ALL* of them, anyways.

So, now that you know that I refuse to play childish games, be it here on the blogs or in the head and heart, you, my fine readers have a choice to make.

Either respect my thoughts and feelings, and see where I am coming from...Or click the back button and remove me as one of the blogs you follow.

True, I do NOT follow every one of my followers. Because I don't have ALL day long to commit to reading every single entry that those that I read, makes. But I do TRY and at least READ the entries to the blogs that I DO follow. Because they interest me for whatever reason, and I feel like I can BE ME and say what I need to or want to, without persecution.

But also know, that I won't do carnival after carnival to "fit in" or just to gain more readers.

Either you like my work, or you don't.

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday w/Shell (Get out the tissues! It's a tear-jerker.)

It's Wednesday, and it's anything that YOU consider pouring your heart out about today, as well. There isn't ever a theme or topic that you have to blog about- it's completely a personal thing. If you wish to participate, please feel free to click on the POUR YOUR HEART OUT button above and you will get all the info on this carnival that you need.

Seeing what Angel is going through, with her mom having a heart attack and Angel's sheer will to be "the rock", had me going back through time. To twenty years ago in to my past (will be 21 in October).

To this day, I remember waking up to my dad yelling at my mom to "wake up" over and over at six in the morning, along with that loud banging noise he kept making on the coffee table beside her.

When I had gotten up and went to the living room, I saw my mother sitting there. But it wasn't her. By that time that damage was done and it was too late. She sat in the chair of her's for HOURS before the discovery by my father. She was in and out of conscientious, you had to yell at her for her to hear you, she wasn't able to speak or move one side of her body. Hours later, after she was taken to the hospital, I sat in her chair to get ready for the day, only to realized she lost her ability to hold urine, being I sat in pee that SOAKED the chair.

Later on in the day, I found out that my forty-three-year-old mother suffered a massive stroke and survived it.

To have to see her in the hospital, and then the Rehab/Nursing Home Center crushed me. I was only twelve years old at the time. Later in life, I did find out she tried to starve herself to death, being she didn't want to live that way. She felt like she was a burden to both myself and my father. Near the end she had to be trached (a tube placed in her throat to help her breath) thanks to the paralysis harming her lungs, as well as STILL near the end, battling lung infections.

For all the times that I went to see her, before leaving I always told her "see you later". And she was in the hospital for twenty-eight days (Rehab Center, actually).

But on that last Saturday, which was her last, full day of life, I told her, with no one else around that it was "okay to go home". I gave her the RIGHT to die. I gave her the PERMISSION she seeked from my father. When I did, I let her know we (Dad and I) would be okay and that I understood.

Under that, though, in my mind I could hear myself getting angry. I did NOT want her to leave me. Not yet. And I resented my father, who must not have cared (in my mind) enough to let her go and be in peace. Why ME? I was only twelve. A child. And I had to do some VERY grown-up things at that time of my life. Both with her in the hospitals and after her death.

What did she do to deserve her fate? And what did I do to have to live my life without my mother, and see her slowly rot away for a month, and could do NOTHING for her, but release her.

As I have gotten older, I have learned some valuable lessons. Starting back twenty years ago, as I loved my mother the best that I could for that last month, before I actually of all the times, on her last day of life said "good-bye, Mom", instead of "see you later".

1) Life will NEVER be fair to you.

2) We all will lose those that we love and cherish in this life. No way around that.

3) Be strong. But learn to let it go and stop being other's rocks, to take time for YOU.

4) We will always have "WHY?" moments. And not all of them will have an answer.

5) Yes, the pain of loss does go away. But NEVER, EVER completely. A piece of your heart will ALWAYS hurt and yearn.

6) Timing is not always on our side. Feel blessed when it is, and ask for courage and strength to walk through the fire when it isn't.

7) It's okay to be angry and/or sad. Even twenty years later.

8) Doctors are not God. They can only do so much. After that it's up to the patient and up to God what happens from there. There is nothing you can do about it.

9) Life's lemmons sometimes stay sour, no matter how much sugar you add. You still have to drink it.

10) Trials by fire don't ALWAYS leave you burned at the stake. Good can come from tragedy. Like a new lease on your life and three kids, with a wonderful husband to boot.

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday w/Shell

I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm confused. And I keep asking that golden question, "why?!".

Yesterday, I had to take Hayley to the doctor. Usually, she is the healthiest of the three kids. For her, it's just basic check-ups and any shots needed. End of story.

Not anymore. I took her in for two reasons. One being her left ear hurt really bad. Come to find out, she had a severe blockage of wax deeply near the ear drum.

But, that was the least of my problems. And her's.

The other night I fixed tacos the way I normally do. Within just hours, Hayley came to my room between 12:30 and 1:00 AM, scratching herself to the point of trying to almost tear her skin off, as she cried.

When I turned on the light (main light in the room), what I saw scared me almost to death. She was red and hived from head to toe. Her lips, jaws, and throat were AT LEAST double their size. And her breathing was a bit off/erratic.

In a blind haze, Scott gave her Tylenol. So I got the Benadryl pills and popped one down her. Within thirty minutes she was doing better and she fell back to sleep in my bed.

After going to the doctor, we found out that she had her first Anaphylaxis episode. Her sensitivity to Soy (which she has had all her life) usually is to a point where she is (like) a Lactose Intolerant person. She can have small, minute amounts, and it won't hurt her.

Not anymore! That was the culprit. And she has now developed a hyper-sensitivity to it. As well as already being hyper-sensitive to shrimp (steamed and uncooked), Red Dye 40 (in red Popsicles only), mushrooms, Blue Cheese Dressing (and other fungi-based foods). As well as an allergy to Amoxicilline.

From now on, Hayley must carry an Epinephrine Pen (Eppy Pen) with her at all times. No matter where she goes. Including to her dad's house. And also we will all have to read ingredient labels more carefully, maybe sub a food out here and there for her to have if she can't have a certain food at a mealtime. And I will also have to ask places we go to eat at how they cook their food, how they serve it up (using separate utensils for each item, no cross-contaminating). And I will need to get allergy friendly recipes for all of us to have (as to not single her out as much as possible).

Why am I angry? Because it seems like no matter how I get ahead and my kids do well, life has to throw another monkey wrench in to the fire. I need a break, as do Hayley and Bryce who are now BOTH considered "Special Needs Kids". I'm tired and I'm tired of seeing my children go through all this crap. And there isn't a whole lot I can do for them.

Why am I scared? Because now, her allergies have gotten to a point, that they can POTENTIALLY KILL my child. I saw that with my own eyes the other night. And it scares me. I don't want to live without my kids. I'd be lost without a single one of them. And I am scared that her (bio) dad won't get his head out his ass and get educated, or will do what is needed if the need arises...That is injecting the shot in her leg (due to his fear of needles and shots).

Why am I confused? Because I know of NO ONE else in the family from either her father's side, or mine that have allergic reactions this bad, or to this many things. So I cannot pinpoint how or why she has these allergies, or the severity of reactions she suffers. We only share a couple of allergies. Bee stings (from any stinging bug) and the medicine.

As for the "why"...I just want to know WHY. Why my kids. What did any of them do to deserve the medical hardships all of them are dealing with. Skyler has that wart/immune system problem. Bryce has his Mental Disorder issues. Now, Hayley has her allergy issues. Why them? What for? Is someone above getting their jollies off on seeing my kids suffer, and I suffer along with them.

In a nutshell, a lot of changes are coming. And it's going to take time to figure it all out. I'm going to need help on this one. I've been thrown in to the lion's den and I'm sinking in the water without a paddle.

Knitting, Gays & Fundies...

Where to start?...I'm so frustrated, saddened and upset, I could spit a whole brown bag of nails.

As some of you know, I had a cousin who was more like a brother to me. He passed away many years ago, when I was fourteen. He died from complications of AIDS. And yes, he was an (openly) Gay man. But it was a tainted blood transfusion of all things that killed him. NOT from having "gay sex".

Also, in my "by-marriage" family, I now have a gay uncle, and a lesbian aunt. They both have life partners. And my aunt and her partner have two wonderful children. And they are some of the most wonderful people you could ever meet on this earth.

There is a friend that I have over at a social website named Colin. He lives in the UK with his life partner. He does BEAUTIFUL work with his gift of knitting. He was severely abused as a child. And yep. He is Gay, too! He loves showing his Lhasa Apso dogs, and is an avid blogger.

Colin as of late though, has been getting bombarded by comments over at his blog in the last several posts by Fundamental Christians. Primarily concerning his sexual lifestyle. And THEY apparently have "figured out" why Colin CHOSE to be gay.

EXCUSE ME?! I'm sorry. But by experience of having family members that are (were) gay, I can certainly say that ninety-nine percent of the GLBT population would not CHOOSE to be WHO they are. I refuse to say 'what', being that those that are G.,L.,B., or T. are still also human beings.

Who in their right mind would CHOOSE this lifestyle? Yeah, they WANT to be ridiculed, beaten, and even killed for WHO THEY LOVE and for WHO THEY ARE.

Who in this world has any rights to judge another person for who that person lays next to at night? How would YOU like to have a 'peeping tom' in YOUR bedroom?

To those that oppose same-sex relationships (and especially marriages), do you "do it" in any other position than just Missionary? You went against the Bible! Do you (MALES ONLY) ejaculate OUTSIDE of a female's vagina? You went against the Bible! Do you perform oral sex (for both genders)? You went against the Bible (and even some modern State-issued laws here in the USA)!

Now, where marriage is concerned, how are two, consenting, deeply-in-love, same-sex ADULTS ruining the "sanctity of marriage" by getting married? If you look around, us "straights" have done a bang-up job of screwing over the "sanctity" of marriage all on our own. We don't need a 'homo's' help in that department.

Hell, to be honest, gay/lesbian people have a better view and understanding of marriage than us "hetero's" do! I know more gay couples that have been together double, triple, and even quadruple the amount of time than that of their straight counterparts. Including my Aunt and my Uncle (by marriage).

So, my dear Christian Fundie readers, what do you have now to say about gays, marriage and the (non)-choice to be gay? Maybe I need to start spying in to your closets and your bedrooms. I bet I can find all kinds of skeletons and swords to use against you.

Now, if you care to read and actually get to know Colin (and see his (ART) works of knitting) then feel free to stop in on his blog page and maybe even leave him a note of encouragement...

http://colinknits.blogspot.com/2010/06/evil-states-of-mind.html

SPD (sensory processing disorder) ....Weekend Warriors w/Adoption of Jane

This week's question from Tracie is...

Do you, your child, or family member have SPD (sensory processing disorder) issues?
What is a day in your life like?

As a matter of fact, yes Bryce does indeed have SPD. Though I don't normally talk about that part of his problems. Why, I can't say.

It has to primarily do with sounds for him. He gets 'overloaded' easily with audio environments.

The sounds he cannot stand, we can deal with. Such as a vacuum. Or a siren from a fire engine or police car. Or it could be one of his sisters screaming and yelling (with their high-pitched voices). Even at times, the TOILET seems to be too much.

Also, especially as of late, I have noticed Bryce having problems with certain food textures. He isn't in to things that have even a mild amount of lumps. And things that are too 'gooey' like puddings.

There are days where it seems like I can't go anywhere without Bryce complaining about noises. Especially decently loud ones. I can't take him to concerts, or to where there is a largely loud crowd. He gets too over stimulated.

When over-stimulation happens, be it loud noises, too many foods he can't stand (due to the textures aspect) or even a combination, Bryce can start having a severe fit because he can't control his environment, or he just shuts down and "hides away" from himself and everyone around him.

For me, as his mother, it can be quite troubling to watch and have to help him deal. But also, I am trying to teach him that not everything and everyone can, let alone WILL revolve around his world. At times, he MUST revolve around other people's world and the world at large.

There are times people (strangers) will see this unfold, and of course I get the stares, the head shakes and once in a while, someone will be bold enough to TELL ME that I need to better correct "the boy" and "be the parent, not the friend", being that he just seems to be displaying a spoiled, childish 'act for attention and to get his way'.

Most, if not ALL of Bryce's disabilities can be, and are mistaken for (at times) normal, childish, bratty attention-seeking misbehavior. What I can say is that yes, SOMETIMES, that is exactly what it is. But when he gets that bad, I can honestly say that it is NOT the case. That my son CANNOT help it. And that it is the SPD displaying its self.

There are times that I wish I could tie people to a chair, that think that they know *MY* child better than I do, and feel that they are the EXPERT in parenting a special needs child, and FORCE them to listen to loud things like the consistent thumping of loud music, sirens that don't seem to stop, loud horns honking left and right, and shove food in their mouth that tastes like they are eating half-dried mud cake....

And listening to everything AT ONE TIME as they are forced to chew on stuff that they can't stand having in their mouth.

Going out on a limb. And I may be getting kicked off. Shock may be found today. (ADULTS ONLY post!!)

I'm straight. I have been since I can remember what 1+1 equates to. I'm a Christian. But not a "die hard, Bible wielding, know every verse in the Good Book" kind. I'm a mother of three great kids. I'm married to the ultimate love of my life. And I at times have bisexual thoughts.

Does that last sentence turn you off? Does it turn you away? Or am I human? I have had these thoughts, fantasies and the curiosity for many, upon many years.

Now that you know this about me, am I "less of a Christian"? No. Am I "lost"? No. Do I feel that this is just a phase? No. Am I less of a friend before today's post? No. Are you? Maybe.

I am in a fan page site over on Facebook where a self-proclaimed "Christian", high school graduate, and college student is just not seeing the forest for the trees.

I'm very sorry, but like with ANY relationship (that is healthy and consensual), a gay/lesbian/bisexual's relationship(s) with their partner(s) is NOT completely and totally revolved around sex and having children. And I am so VERY tired of hearing that "argument", just as I am about the saying of "if we condone marriages of gays, then what's next....marrying ANIMALS?".

Last time I have checked, we humans ARE animals. We are of the mammalian variety. And we are listed as the highest animal species on the food chain, as well as intellect chain. And we have "animalistic" sex with our own species.

Also, it has been scientifically proven that thousands of animal species have homosexual sex amongst themselves. So, is God TOTALLY against homosexuality? Guess not, being He did create the animals. And they have no knowledge of Him, social viewpoints, nor of right from wrong in the sexual world.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty. And from this point, it's really an ADULT topic. And I don't plan to hide anything. If this changes how you think of me, or on how you view me, and you wish to no longer be my friend, then so be it. If you can't handle the REAL me, at it's fullest, then you have not the ability to be my TRUE friend.

On some occasions of love making with my husband, especially when we like it to be a little more rough and kinky, we pull out "THE" toy (rubber dick) and talk dirty (actually dirtier) with one another. As soon as he sets the mental scene of some three-some, and some girl-on-girl action, it totally sets my head spinning, driving me up the wall. Needless to say, between the physical aspects and the mental imagery, it makes me even hornier and gets me off even more so than "basic" sex.

Ever since I was a teenager, I have had fantasies about being with a girl/woman. And I have had the fantasies of being with both a man and another woman at the same time. But due to self-image and self-esteem issues, and now with having young children, to try out and fulfill those fantasies (that my husband and I share in) seems like a lost ship in the vast ocean.

I can't help who I am. I can't help the thoughts and feelings that I have. I can't be anyone else but me. And I refuse to hide that part of myself any longer. I have kept it tucked away, only being something that myself and my husband know. But not any longer.

And for those of you that are thinking this...No, I am NOT writing this for "shock value", to gain readers or comments. I am writing this because I felt it was FINALLY time to. I felt that I needed to be completely honest with myself, and those around me. 

Like I stated earlier in the post, if this causes me to lose friends, then so be it. If they choose to NOT accept me for who I am, how I believe, how I view things and for not being the "Christian" that THEY feel I am not, then they were NEVER TRULY my 'friend' in the first place.