I'm eight years old, and it is officially the first day of school. I'm off to First Grade in Mrs. Bartley's class. I'm all ready to go in my white, ruffle-neck dress shirt, my purple overalls with the yellow tulip on the front, and my pigtails upon my head.
Being it's no more than a seven-minute walk to school, and back then, my area was pretty darn safe, my parents started out on the journey to my new school along side me, with Sarah, our Corgi. They stopped at the corner of the next street over from us and let me finish the walk on my own. As a big girl.
I remember vaguely, as I turned my head to see my parents still standing there at the corner, after I crossed the street, then crossed to the opposite corner at the end of the block. They waved to me, my dog looking sad and in wonderment of where her "sister" is going off to without her. My mom, I saw wiping tears from her eyes, trying not to fall apart, as most of us mothers do when their babies start trying out their wings.
After waving good-bye and walking out of their sight, I can only imagine how Mom fell apart, and how Dad had to console her on that "lonely" walk back to the house after I made the rest of my way off to school that beautifully warm and sunny morning.
But that would also be the last time she would ever see me take that "big leap" in growing up. Ever. Because the year before I was to start Junior High/Middle School, my mother had passed away after having suffered from a massive stroke and pneumonia.
Yesterday (Thursday, August 18th) my oldest had her Middle School orientation to take a dry run at finding her classes, knowing how to get in to her locker, meet her teachers and to learn the rules.
She has to get on the bus now, about an hour earlier than before, when she attended Elementary School. And she is fine with that. Because she also now gets out about an hour earlier than her siblings.
As my daughter waited outside at the bus stop (which for her, is now across the street) I had the flashbacks. I saw her as a tiny girl again, just starting Preschool. She and I waited for the bus at the top of the hill near our former home. She was SO excited. And I watched as she clomped up each step with her short, stubby little legs, and her huge backpack on her back, as she boarded the bus. It took all that I had to not just lose it right then and there.
Yesterday, it hit me. Not only am I seeing my little girl, my first born, grow up before my very eyes into what will be a stunningly beautiful young woman, but I am witnessing something my mother never was able to have the chance to, and never will. Not with myself, and not with her grandchildren.
I was VERY close to my oldest daughter's age when I lost my mother. And I am only about eight and a half years younger than my mother's age when she died. It pains me to know that my mother has had to miss out on SO much. My marriage. My kids. How I have grown and matured. My overcoming of many medical obstacles.
While I feel blessed and fortunate to be here to see and experience the wonders of my children as they each make their own headway in the world and leave their own marks on the world, it still saddens me that I didn't get the chance to have my mom see all that I can.
So, I guess in a way, I am living life and experiencing these things for the both of us. And I often times wonder what Mom would say, think or do. What would she say about how my life has turned out? What would she say about the man that I married or how I am raising and rearing my children?
Sadly, those are questions that will forever haunt me and be left unanswered. And to this day, it is still hard for me to come to terms with that fact.
My work is ORIGINAL...Don't be a thief.
What is written in this blog, is of the author's own originality. It contains the sole views, thoughts, and stories of this blog's author.
Showing posts with label coming of age. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coming of age. Show all posts
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Monkey In The Middle (A Divorce Post)
Monkey In The Middle is a game that my husband and I play with our youngest, Skyler, who is six years old. If he and I are sitting on the couch or the floor, or laying in the bed and she wants to "snuggle-buggle", then she always says she is the "monkey in the middle". Skyler sometimes is, and other times is not the proverbial monkey. Sometimes, just to get her goat Scott or myself would be the monkey.
Sadly, I have had my oldest playing this game as well. She is the monkey in the middle that must go between her two parent's homes. I have full physical cusody, and always have. Her father gets visitations every other weekend and we alternate (major) holidays. Plus I personally set out three week blocks where she stays with him in one-week increments during the summer while school is out.
Plus, I give extra time even on their "off" weekends where I can and feel it's appropriate (to go to the movies, park, etc.).
No matter how bad he has been known to talk about me, cuss me and even go as far as calling me a slave driver (because in MY home she has chores, rules and consequences, whereas in HIS home, they don't exist), I still bend over backwards to give him more time with our daughter. Even when it is NOT stipulated to do so in our still-standing court order.
How Hayley has grown in to the young lady she has thus far, without resentment towards either of us has just blown me away.
For one thing, I NEVER talk ill of her father in front of her or to her.
Two, I don't make her go on those "off" days unless SHE wants to (at 11, she can now make her own mind up about extended stays and other 'extra' days to spend time with him).
Thirdly, she knows clearly what her expectations are in MY home.
Fourth, I don't pick fights with her father (in person or over the phone) over trivial things (i.e. the having/not having a TV in the bedroom debacle over the phone..I do *not* allow one in my kids' rooms, he says she has one there and that I am a bitchy, mean mom {in so many words} for not letting the kids, including HIS "kid" to have one in their rooms in *MY* home).
Fifth, I do my very best (most of the time) to be civil towards her father. Especially when Hayley is present.
Children of divorce are fragile on some levels. But are much more thick-skinned than most people realize and give these kids credit for. Look at all that THEY must put up with. Especially if the parents, for whatever reason cannot seem to get along on ANY level.
She's been going between myself and my ex-husband like this (for the most part over the years) since she was about two years old (was one-day visits from infancy until two years due to some legal issues and other things I cannot get in to here; maybe a later post).
We split (as in I walked out with a few things we needed in hand and never looked back) when she was five months old. By then I had a "friend" in my life that treated me RIGHT, the way I should have been treated all along and this person cared enough about me and my daughter that the sister even helped me get out and let me and my then-five-month old daughter stay with her and her family.
Yes, there are times that Hayley does the "I want to live with my daddy!" routine. As soon as I say that I know it's because he is the "no-rules-do whatever you want-without consequences" parent, she hushes up and walks off.
I guess he has yet to learn, especially now that she is a preteen (or shall we say Tween, seeing that's the 'norm' these days), he cannot be her friend. Not now. She needs PARENTS that will lay down the law and set those morals and values to solidly cement within before it's too late.
Sure! She will at some point (more than likely) try to experiment with drugs and alcohol, or even cigarettes. And (God forbid) seriously think of having sex. But all I can do now is try my best up until those years NOW to lay the foundation to keep away from those types of things and avoid problems down the road with them.
But then again, when you are the "Monkey In The Middle" with two parenting styles within two different home environments, it can get confusing of which way to turn. So I am planning to just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best down the road.
No one said being the parent of a "divorce" child was easy!
Sadly, I have had my oldest playing this game as well. She is the monkey in the middle that must go between her two parent's homes. I have full physical cusody, and always have. Her father gets visitations every other weekend and we alternate (major) holidays. Plus I personally set out three week blocks where she stays with him in one-week increments during the summer while school is out.
Plus, I give extra time even on their "off" weekends where I can and feel it's appropriate (to go to the movies, park, etc.).
No matter how bad he has been known to talk about me, cuss me and even go as far as calling me a slave driver (because in MY home she has chores, rules and consequences, whereas in HIS home, they don't exist), I still bend over backwards to give him more time with our daughter. Even when it is NOT stipulated to do so in our still-standing court order.
How Hayley has grown in to the young lady she has thus far, without resentment towards either of us has just blown me away.
For one thing, I NEVER talk ill of her father in front of her or to her.
Two, I don't make her go on those "off" days unless SHE wants to (at 11, she can now make her own mind up about extended stays and other 'extra' days to spend time with him).
Thirdly, she knows clearly what her expectations are in MY home.
Fourth, I don't pick fights with her father (in person or over the phone) over trivial things (i.e. the having/not having a TV in the bedroom debacle over the phone..I do *not* allow one in my kids' rooms, he says she has one there and that I am a bitchy, mean mom {in so many words} for not letting the kids, including HIS "kid" to have one in their rooms in *MY* home).
Fifth, I do my very best (most of the time) to be civil towards her father. Especially when Hayley is present.
Children of divorce are fragile on some levels. But are much more thick-skinned than most people realize and give these kids credit for. Look at all that THEY must put up with. Especially if the parents, for whatever reason cannot seem to get along on ANY level.
She's been going between myself and my ex-husband like this (for the most part over the years) since she was about two years old (was one-day visits from infancy until two years due to some legal issues and other things I cannot get in to here; maybe a later post).
We split (as in I walked out with a few things we needed in hand and never looked back) when she was five months old. By then I had a "friend" in my life that treated me RIGHT, the way I should have been treated all along and this person cared enough about me and my daughter that the sister even helped me get out and let me and my then-five-month old daughter stay with her and her family.
Yes, there are times that Hayley does the "I want to live with my daddy!" routine. As soon as I say that I know it's because he is the "no-rules-do whatever you want-without consequences" parent, she hushes up and walks off.
I guess he has yet to learn, especially now that she is a preteen (or shall we say Tween, seeing that's the 'norm' these days), he cannot be her friend. Not now. She needs PARENTS that will lay down the law and set those morals and values to solidly cement within before it's too late.
Sure! She will at some point (more than likely) try to experiment with drugs and alcohol, or even cigarettes. And (God forbid) seriously think of having sex. But all I can do now is try my best up until those years NOW to lay the foundation to keep away from those types of things and avoid problems down the road with them.
But then again, when you are the "Monkey In The Middle" with two parenting styles within two different home environments, it can get confusing of which way to turn. So I am planning to just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best down the road.
No one said being the parent of a "divorce" child was easy!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Reality Sets In Three Fold For Me As A Mom...In One Morning.
That time for them has finally come to pass. No longer are they small, helpless, needy children. Now they are increasingly independent, strong, knowledgeable 'tweens'.
In one fail swoop, I'm being forced to not only start letting go of one of the three, but TWO of them at one time. And it will only get more difficult to do so as the next few years fly by.
Hayley started walking the five minutes to school last week, but still coming home on the bus. Now, her brother who is seventeen months her junior is starting to walk to school as well. And again, come home on the bus.
Which in turn has forced my (soon to be) six year old to be a "big girl" and ride the school bus on her own. But starting last week, she started riding ONE day a week after school to come home, being that both Hayley and Bryce are now in the after school program of Art Club.
This coming Thursday, Hayley, who is my oldest, will be eleven. Lord how these years have just flown on past. It's been a ride thus far. And with her mature attitude being more of a fourteen year old, her wings are spreading faster than I had hoped.
The week after, Skyler, who is the "baby" of the family will be six! So, soon, she will no longer officially be a "baby" of sorts to the world. She will no longer be a toddler or a preschooler. She will be an adolescent. Again, I am at a loss of where all the years have gone. Like a wind, they blew past with nary a care of what a mother's heart feels.
When I watched (through the closed front door's glass) Hayley and Bryce cross the street and head down the block towards school, I had them flash in my head as they were when they were little. I saw them as they used to be. Suddenly, I got back in to the reality of what I was witnessing, and for a brief moment, longed for those days once more.
Then, watching Skyler cross from about half way at the bus stop on her own (I walked her half way in to the street) to get on to it alone for the first time, my heart sank and I had to fight my wanting to walk her the rest of the way, it hurt to know that she too has stepped one closer away from me and becoming her own individual.
In these two brief moments of one morning, I wished to God I could stop time. Just for a few seconds. I wanted to turn back the clock to the times where they inherently needed me to the fullest extent. I have witnessed this morning the anxiety of a mother "losing" their children to the world. All at once. Each one making their own individual paths in the world.
How many ways can a mother's heart ache and break? Many. Including watching them all take their own paths in society and forming their own identities.
It's one thing to watch them do this one at a time. But to see all three of your children do this on different levels at once is completely overwhelming. Gone are the days of cooing, learning to walk and talk, being dependent even on me for the simplest of things and asking silly questions such as why the sky is one color and the ground another.
These are the days where you are extremely proud of who you are raising your children to be. But it sucks also, because in the same thought, you wish you could do it all over again with them and keep time as it is.
In one fail swoop, I'm being forced to not only start letting go of one of the three, but TWO of them at one time. And it will only get more difficult to do so as the next few years fly by.
Hayley started walking the five minutes to school last week, but still coming home on the bus. Now, her brother who is seventeen months her junior is starting to walk to school as well. And again, come home on the bus.
Which in turn has forced my (soon to be) six year old to be a "big girl" and ride the school bus on her own. But starting last week, she started riding ONE day a week after school to come home, being that both Hayley and Bryce are now in the after school program of Art Club.
This coming Thursday, Hayley, who is my oldest, will be eleven. Lord how these years have just flown on past. It's been a ride thus far. And with her mature attitude being more of a fourteen year old, her wings are spreading faster than I had hoped.
The week after, Skyler, who is the "baby" of the family will be six! So, soon, she will no longer officially be a "baby" of sorts to the world. She will no longer be a toddler or a preschooler. She will be an adolescent. Again, I am at a loss of where all the years have gone. Like a wind, they blew past with nary a care of what a mother's heart feels.
When I watched (through the closed front door's glass) Hayley and Bryce cross the street and head down the block towards school, I had them flash in my head as they were when they were little. I saw them as they used to be. Suddenly, I got back in to the reality of what I was witnessing, and for a brief moment, longed for those days once more.
Then, watching Skyler cross from about half way at the bus stop on her own (I walked her half way in to the street) to get on to it alone for the first time, my heart sank and I had to fight my wanting to walk her the rest of the way, it hurt to know that she too has stepped one closer away from me and becoming her own individual.
In these two brief moments of one morning, I wished to God I could stop time. Just for a few seconds. I wanted to turn back the clock to the times where they inherently needed me to the fullest extent. I have witnessed this morning the anxiety of a mother "losing" their children to the world. All at once. Each one making their own individual paths in the world.
How many ways can a mother's heart ache and break? Many. Including watching them all take their own paths in society and forming their own identities.
It's one thing to watch them do this one at a time. But to see all three of your children do this on different levels at once is completely overwhelming. Gone are the days of cooing, learning to walk and talk, being dependent even on me for the simplest of things and asking silly questions such as why the sky is one color and the ground another.
These are the days where you are extremely proud of who you are raising your children to be. But it sucks also, because in the same thought, you wish you could do it all over again with them and keep time as it is.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Finding yourself via FaceBook.
You probably read that title and thought to yourself that I have officially gone off the deep end. Admit it! Yeah, that's what I thought.
Some of us have personalities that are very open and we know everything about ourselves. What am I saying, you ask? Basically, you know yourself and how much you observe in your world and your life. You know of every single one of your likes, as well as all of your dislikes. People, places, music, literature. You name it, you know of it, all the way down to your very core.
If you are not a FaceBook crackhead, then you are probably quite confused. Let me break it down to it's very simplicity... When you update your interests, you are automatically linked with a "Like" page for that person, place or thing. And/or you can search for said PPT and "Like" it's page.
Some people only "like" a few things. Some people "like" A LOT of things. I have some friends on FaceBook that fall within that first category. I though, fall in to the latter one. And after really looking at all of my interests and "likes" across the board, I think I honestly shocked myself.
Recently, FB had added a new feature. You can see how many "Likes" your friends have, and how many total are on your page as well. For some it's no more than 20. Some, up to 50 or 100...Then there are those such as myself with 200 or more!
After seeing with my own eyes just how many interests and "likes" that I have, my jaw about hit my hardwood floor. It really gave me a great ideal of who I REALLY AM.
I'm more than a wife or a mother. I am more than just a Volunteer at my children's school. I'm more than a daughter or sister-in-law. I am uniquely varied in taste and perception. I am from one extreme to another. I'm a little bit country, and a little bit rock n' roll. I'm a tad bit drama, and a whole lot of laughter.
Life overall has never been all roses, rainbows, puppies and lollipops. I have had more than my fair share of downs that, when looking back, outweighed the ups. But I rolled with the punches and came out the better person in the end, in this thing we call "life".
After seeing everything that I "like", that I take interest in, what my relationships are and weave it all together, I see the entire package now, that makes ME who *I* am.
Now, I can see what so many see in me. I can go with Adam Sandler one minute, laughing until I cry and my sides hurt, to being wrapped up in a love story that stars Sandra Bullock and cry my happy and sad tears all of the way through the movie's entirety.
Or, one moment, I'm listening to Reba McEntire singing "His Name Was John" on the local country station, only to tune in to Lady Gaga on the Rock/Pop station as she sings "Bad Romance".
So much variation is within my life. And I *LIKE* it that way.
How do your FaceBook "likes" cast you and your personality? Do they show the TRUE, FULL and the REAL you? Take a look and see if you "find" yourself today.
Some of us have personalities that are very open and we know everything about ourselves. What am I saying, you ask? Basically, you know yourself and how much you observe in your world and your life. You know of every single one of your likes, as well as all of your dislikes. People, places, music, literature. You name it, you know of it, all the way down to your very core.
If you are not a FaceBook crackhead, then you are probably quite confused. Let me break it down to it's very simplicity... When you update your interests, you are automatically linked with a "Like" page for that person, place or thing. And/or you can search for said PPT and "Like" it's page.
Some people only "like" a few things. Some people "like" A LOT of things. I have some friends on FaceBook that fall within that first category. I though, fall in to the latter one. And after really looking at all of my interests and "likes" across the board, I think I honestly shocked myself.
Recently, FB had added a new feature. You can see how many "Likes" your friends have, and how many total are on your page as well. For some it's no more than 20. Some, up to 50 or 100...Then there are those such as myself with 200 or more!
After seeing with my own eyes just how many interests and "likes" that I have, my jaw about hit my hardwood floor. It really gave me a great ideal of who I REALLY AM.
I'm more than a wife or a mother. I am more than just a Volunteer at my children's school. I'm more than a daughter or sister-in-law. I am uniquely varied in taste and perception. I am from one extreme to another. I'm a little bit country, and a little bit rock n' roll. I'm a tad bit drama, and a whole lot of laughter.
Life overall has never been all roses, rainbows, puppies and lollipops. I have had more than my fair share of downs that, when looking back, outweighed the ups. But I rolled with the punches and came out the better person in the end, in this thing we call "life".
After seeing everything that I "like", that I take interest in, what my relationships are and weave it all together, I see the entire package now, that makes ME who *I* am.
Now, I can see what so many see in me. I can go with Adam Sandler one minute, laughing until I cry and my sides hurt, to being wrapped up in a love story that stars Sandra Bullock and cry my happy and sad tears all of the way through the movie's entirety.
Or, one moment, I'm listening to Reba McEntire singing "His Name Was John" on the local country station, only to tune in to Lady Gaga on the Rock/Pop station as she sings "Bad Romance".
So much variation is within my life. And I *LIKE* it that way.
How do your FaceBook "likes" cast you and your personality? Do they show the TRUE, FULL and the REAL you? Take a look and see if you "find" yourself today.
Monday, July 19, 2010
It's (almost) that time again!!
I can see it in my head.
They get dressed in their khaki pants, polo shirts and their new school shoes. Bags are all packed and ready to go. A filling breakfast to boot (before dressing, of course).
But, alas, I have a month to go. That's okay. I can somehow wait. I've gone this long. But it will be SO nice sending them off to school once more.
The only part I don't like is that there is the fact of knowing that this is Hayley's last year in Elementary School. Here in Virginia, you go in to Middle (Jr. High) School at the Sixth Grade mark. And for me, that's a HARD pill, to swallow. Knowing that at this time next year, my "baby" will be in with the "big kid" crowd.
In the coming weeks, I will start shopping for them. Hitting the sales. Like the 24-count Crayola Crayons for twenty-five cents a box! And all three kids need them.
And for being in the Fifth Grade this year, Hayley is the CHEAPEST (between the older two, who are one grade apart) to buy for, surprisingly. Bryce (knowing from last year) will be the most expensive. And with Skyler, I might get away with being the cheapest of all three.
Please, don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love being with them. And I certainly love doing things with them. But my patience and my sanity are waring thin. As is theirs with one another and with me. I've done what I can to keep them active and have fun. I plan on us all going next month, before school starts, up to the Blue Ridge Parkway and take a day for hiking and a picnic.
And of course, once everyone is settled in to school, then I will be filling out (once again) the paperwork to volunteer at school between one and three days per week. It gets me out of the house, involved with the school, lets me stay on top of school-related topics/problems and lets me enrich children's lives.
Though, I try hard to not 'work' in any of my kids' classes, if optional. With exception to some light filing and being a Room Parent (if needed).
So, on August 17th, I shall be marching down to the school (that is a five minute walk from my house) and register the kids. Although I had already PRE-REGISTERED Skyler before the 2009-2010 school year let out.
Then, on August 23rd, starts a brand new school year. And as much as I want them to get on that bus, I can guarantee that it may be a bit hard to see them go off once more to learn and grow. For that will be the end of another fun-filled Summer and another year of their childhood gone forever.
They get dressed in their khaki pants, polo shirts and their new school shoes. Bags are all packed and ready to go. A filling breakfast to boot (before dressing, of course).
But, alas, I have a month to go. That's okay. I can somehow wait. I've gone this long. But it will be SO nice sending them off to school once more.
The only part I don't like is that there is the fact of knowing that this is Hayley's last year in Elementary School. Here in Virginia, you go in to Middle (Jr. High) School at the Sixth Grade mark. And for me, that's a HARD pill, to swallow. Knowing that at this time next year, my "baby" will be in with the "big kid" crowd.
In the coming weeks, I will start shopping for them. Hitting the sales. Like the 24-count Crayola Crayons for twenty-five cents a box! And all three kids need them.
And for being in the Fifth Grade this year, Hayley is the CHEAPEST (between the older two, who are one grade apart) to buy for, surprisingly. Bryce (knowing from last year) will be the most expensive. And with Skyler, I might get away with being the cheapest of all three.
Please, don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love being with them. And I certainly love doing things with them. But my patience and my sanity are waring thin. As is theirs with one another and with me. I've done what I can to keep them active and have fun. I plan on us all going next month, before school starts, up to the Blue Ridge Parkway and take a day for hiking and a picnic.
And of course, once everyone is settled in to school, then I will be filling out (once again) the paperwork to volunteer at school between one and three days per week. It gets me out of the house, involved with the school, lets me stay on top of school-related topics/problems and lets me enrich children's lives.
Though, I try hard to not 'work' in any of my kids' classes, if optional. With exception to some light filing and being a Room Parent (if needed).
So, on August 17th, I shall be marching down to the school (that is a five minute walk from my house) and register the kids. Although I had already PRE-REGISTERED Skyler before the 2009-2010 school year let out.
Then, on August 23rd, starts a brand new school year. And as much as I want them to get on that bus, I can guarantee that it may be a bit hard to see them go off once more to learn and grow. For that will be the end of another fun-filled Summer and another year of their childhood gone forever.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Going out on a limb. And I may be getting kicked off. Shock may be found today. (ADULTS ONLY post!!)
I'm straight. I have been since I can remember what 1+1 equates to. I'm a Christian. But not a "die hard, Bible wielding, know every verse in the Good Book" kind. I'm a mother of three great kids. I'm married to the ultimate love of my life. And I at times have bisexual thoughts.
Does that last sentence turn you off? Does it turn you away? Or am I human? I have had these thoughts, fantasies and the curiosity for many, upon many years.
Now that you know this about me, am I "less of a Christian"? No. Am I "lost"? No. Do I feel that this is just a phase? No. Am I less of a friend before today's post? No. Are you? Maybe.
I am in a fan page site over on Facebook where a self-proclaimed "Christian", high school graduate, and college student is just not seeing the forest for the trees.
I'm very sorry, but like with ANY relationship (that is healthy and consensual), a gay/lesbian/bisexual's relationship(s) with their partner(s) is NOT completely and totally revolved around sex and having children. And I am so VERY tired of hearing that "argument", just as I am about the saying of "if we condone marriages of gays, then what's next....marrying ANIMALS?".
Last time I have checked, we humans ARE animals. We are of the mammalian variety. And we are listed as the highest animal species on the food chain, as well as intellect chain. And we have "animalistic" sex with our own species.
Also, it has been scientifically proven that thousands of animal species have homosexual sex amongst themselves. So, is God TOTALLY against homosexuality? Guess not, being He did create the animals. And they have no knowledge of Him, social viewpoints, nor of right from wrong in the sexual world.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty. And from this point, it's really an ADULT topic. And I don't plan to hide anything. If this changes how you think of me, or on how you view me, and you wish to no longer be my friend, then so be it. If you can't handle the REAL me, at it's fullest, then you have not the ability to be my TRUE friend.
On some occasions of love making with my husband, especially when we like it to be a little more rough and kinky, we pull out "THE" toy (rubber dick) and talk dirty (actually dirtier) with one another. As soon as he sets the mental scene of some three-some, and some girl-on-girl action, it totally sets my head spinning, driving me up the wall. Needless to say, between the physical aspects and the mental imagery, it makes me even hornier and gets me off even more so than "basic" sex.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have had fantasies about being with a girl/woman. And I have had the fantasies of being with both a man and another woman at the same time. But due to self-image and self-esteem issues, and now with having young children, to try out and fulfill those fantasies (that my husband and I share in) seems like a lost ship in the vast ocean.
I can't help who I am. I can't help the thoughts and feelings that I have. I can't be anyone else but me. And I refuse to hide that part of myself any longer. I have kept it tucked away, only being something that myself and my husband know. But not any longer.
And for those of you that are thinking this...No, I am NOT writing this for "shock value", to gain readers or comments. I am writing this because I felt it was FINALLY time to. I felt that I needed to be completely honest with myself, and those around me.
Like I stated earlier in the post, if this causes me to lose friends, then so be it. If they choose to NOT accept me for who I am, how I believe, how I view things and for not being the "Christian" that THEY feel I am not, then they were NEVER TRULY my 'friend' in the first place.
Does that last sentence turn you off? Does it turn you away? Or am I human? I have had these thoughts, fantasies and the curiosity for many, upon many years.
Now that you know this about me, am I "less of a Christian"? No. Am I "lost"? No. Do I feel that this is just a phase? No. Am I less of a friend before today's post? No. Are you? Maybe.
I am in a fan page site over on Facebook where a self-proclaimed "Christian", high school graduate, and college student is just not seeing the forest for the trees.
I'm very sorry, but like with ANY relationship (that is healthy and consensual), a gay/lesbian/bisexual's relationship(s) with their partner(s) is NOT completely and totally revolved around sex and having children. And I am so VERY tired of hearing that "argument", just as I am about the saying of "if we condone marriages of gays, then what's next....marrying ANIMALS?".
Last time I have checked, we humans ARE animals. We are of the mammalian variety. And we are listed as the highest animal species on the food chain, as well as intellect chain. And we have "animalistic" sex with our own species.
Also, it has been scientifically proven that thousands of animal species have homosexual sex amongst themselves. So, is God TOTALLY against homosexuality? Guess not, being He did create the animals. And they have no knowledge of Him, social viewpoints, nor of right from wrong in the sexual world.
Let's get down to the nitty gritty. And from this point, it's really an ADULT topic. And I don't plan to hide anything. If this changes how you think of me, or on how you view me, and you wish to no longer be my friend, then so be it. If you can't handle the REAL me, at it's fullest, then you have not the ability to be my TRUE friend.
On some occasions of love making with my husband, especially when we like it to be a little more rough and kinky, we pull out "THE" toy (rubber dick) and talk dirty (actually dirtier) with one another. As soon as he sets the mental scene of some three-some, and some girl-on-girl action, it totally sets my head spinning, driving me up the wall. Needless to say, between the physical aspects and the mental imagery, it makes me even hornier and gets me off even more so than "basic" sex.
Ever since I was a teenager, I have had fantasies about being with a girl/woman. And I have had the fantasies of being with both a man and another woman at the same time. But due to self-image and self-esteem issues, and now with having young children, to try out and fulfill those fantasies (that my husband and I share in) seems like a lost ship in the vast ocean.
I can't help who I am. I can't help the thoughts and feelings that I have. I can't be anyone else but me. And I refuse to hide that part of myself any longer. I have kept it tucked away, only being something that myself and my husband know. But not any longer.
And for those of you that are thinking this...No, I am NOT writing this for "shock value", to gain readers or comments. I am writing this because I felt it was FINALLY time to. I felt that I needed to be completely honest with myself, and those around me.
Like I stated earlier in the post, if this causes me to lose friends, then so be it. If they choose to NOT accept me for who I am, how I believe, how I view things and for not being the "Christian" that THEY feel I am not, then they were NEVER TRULY my 'friend' in the first place.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Tween Scene (per my experiences)
I've been the mother 'officially' of a Tween (ages nine, through twelve) for the past year and a half. Believe me when I say, it certainly is no picnic. Especially when your experience is from having the oldest of the three going through this is a girl, no less. Figures. God had to get the good laughs from me.
My oldest is now a ten-year-old she-devil (at times). Not to mention, Hayley is just about as tall as I am. AT THE AGE OF TEN, people!!...I'm only a mere five-foot-tall, petite lady. And here, my daughter is (literally) right under my nose.
She is also already having bouts of PMS (putting up with Mom's shit). So, if we happen to be hormonal at the same time, it's game on in my house. And it ain't pretty! We have been known to almost claw one another's eyes out. And that's on a GOOD day, mind you.
Add in the fact that Hayley is already "budding", and it makes my anguish fueled even more. Why? Because I know that once those puppies start to really...*ahem* sprout, that she is going to be beating her mother in that department. And that's when I drag out my husband, Scott's old Softball METAL bat from the attic. It's gonna be my "beat a boy" bat for those that want to take advantage of my little girl.
Yep. I have this all mapped out. I'm ready to roll with the big punches.
As for my son, Bryce, he JUST entered the world of Tweenhood. So far, so good. Then again, those hormones have yet to even hit him. But I can say for sure, that knowing him, when they do, it's going to be World War Three in my home. And I already told Scott that being he laid the girls (BOTH of them mind you) on me to 'handle', that it is HIS job to strictly deal with the boy when he starts to uh....mature in more ways than one (not including the voice thing).
To me, these days, raising tween is like raising a pack of rabid wolves. You never, ever know from day to day, much less, from hour to hour, what the members of your pack are going to say, do, or think. My daughter changes her mind faster than I can change a battery in my remote. Not to mention the emotional part of the package....That alone can drive you insane faster than a Nascar race car going over 200 MPH.
But, then again, my daughter is truly dishing out what I know I gave to my poor Dad, who pretty much single-handedly raised me on his own, after mom died. For those first couple of years, I know I was hell on wheels. My Nana made matters worse when she "moved" (more like snuck) her way in to our 'happy home'.
Talk about hell on wheels! I made it my life's mission to make her life MISERABLE while she was with us. And I actually succeeded. And her own paranoia even got the best of her. She was sure that I was a druggie (Pot). Why? Because I wanted my PRIVACY. So, I kept my door to my room closed most of the time. That made her madder than anything else.
These days, I've taken what I did as a 'tween' (there was no such thing in my day), think on WHY I did/said what I had, and I apply reason and independence, as well as boundaries based on my past experiences.
*My* 'tween' can close her door (and sometimes lock it) for privacy. She is allowed to say how she feels (as long as it's constructive communication) without worry of getting a 'tongue lashing' for having her own views. Hayley is allowed to talk to her friends on the phone, in private. She can cook for herself (some things...Dad is teaching her how to cook, being that they share in that).
Most of all, I'm letting her grow up and see the world for herself. She will one day be on her own, and she will need to see that life isn't always fun, games, rainbows and puppies. I let her know in honest terms of what her body is doing and why. I'm letting her know now, snippets of why her biological father and I are no longer together (and why I married 'Dad'). She is also learning the TRUTH about certain family members in her bio-dad's family, being he (as I had found out by her) has been LYING about them.
Some days, Hayley and I do not see eye-to-eye on a single thing. Most days, we are like two peas in a pod. But she knows that our relationship has boundaries. I am NOT her "friend" or her "buddy". Not yet. Those days will come along soon enough, after she is grown and on her own. I am first and foremost (and will ALWAYS BE) her mother and a part of her 'parenting team'.
After all, it certainly takes a village to raise a tween...or two.
My oldest is now a ten-year-old she-devil (at times). Not to mention, Hayley is just about as tall as I am. AT THE AGE OF TEN, people!!...I'm only a mere five-foot-tall, petite lady. And here, my daughter is (literally) right under my nose.
She is also already having bouts of PMS (putting up with Mom's shit). So, if we happen to be hormonal at the same time, it's game on in my house. And it ain't pretty! We have been known to almost claw one another's eyes out. And that's on a GOOD day, mind you.
Add in the fact that Hayley is already "budding", and it makes my anguish fueled even more. Why? Because I know that once those puppies start to really...*ahem* sprout, that she is going to be beating her mother in that department. And that's when I drag out my husband, Scott's old Softball METAL bat from the attic. It's gonna be my "beat a boy" bat for those that want to take advantage of my little girl.
Yep. I have this all mapped out. I'm ready to roll with the big punches.
As for my son, Bryce, he JUST entered the world of Tweenhood. So far, so good. Then again, those hormones have yet to even hit him. But I can say for sure, that knowing him, when they do, it's going to be World War Three in my home. And I already told Scott that being he laid the girls (BOTH of them mind you) on me to 'handle', that it is HIS job to strictly deal with the boy when he starts to uh....mature in more ways than one (not including the voice thing).
To me, these days, raising tween is like raising a pack of rabid wolves. You never, ever know from day to day, much less, from hour to hour, what the members of your pack are going to say, do, or think. My daughter changes her mind faster than I can change a battery in my remote. Not to mention the emotional part of the package....That alone can drive you insane faster than a Nascar race car going over 200 MPH.
But, then again, my daughter is truly dishing out what I know I gave to my poor Dad, who pretty much single-handedly raised me on his own, after mom died. For those first couple of years, I know I was hell on wheels. My Nana made matters worse when she "moved" (more like snuck) her way in to our 'happy home'.
Talk about hell on wheels! I made it my life's mission to make her life MISERABLE while she was with us. And I actually succeeded. And her own paranoia even got the best of her. She was sure that I was a druggie (Pot). Why? Because I wanted my PRIVACY. So, I kept my door to my room closed most of the time. That made her madder than anything else.
These days, I've taken what I did as a 'tween' (there was no such thing in my day), think on WHY I did/said what I had, and I apply reason and independence, as well as boundaries based on my past experiences.
*My* 'tween' can close her door (and sometimes lock it) for privacy. She is allowed to say how she feels (as long as it's constructive communication) without worry of getting a 'tongue lashing' for having her own views. Hayley is allowed to talk to her friends on the phone, in private. She can cook for herself (some things...Dad is teaching her how to cook, being that they share in that).
Most of all, I'm letting her grow up and see the world for herself. She will one day be on her own, and she will need to see that life isn't always fun, games, rainbows and puppies. I let her know in honest terms of what her body is doing and why. I'm letting her know now, snippets of why her biological father and I are no longer together (and why I married 'Dad'). She is also learning the TRUTH about certain family members in her bio-dad's family, being he (as I had found out by her) has been LYING about them.
Some days, Hayley and I do not see eye-to-eye on a single thing. Most days, we are like two peas in a pod. But she knows that our relationship has boundaries. I am NOT her "friend" or her "buddy". Not yet. Those days will come along soon enough, after she is grown and on her own. I am first and foremost (and will ALWAYS BE) her mother and a part of her 'parenting team'.
After all, it certainly takes a village to raise a tween...or two.
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