Oops! The Ex Did It Again...

First, I got to correct a HUGE mistake that could have potentially harmed my son, thanks to a major screw up at our Pharmacy. To read all about that, CLICK HERE.

Then, go and throw in the ex-husband to the mix, and it's an all-out "stressed nerves" fiesta.

I'm making good on my promise to myself. And that is to no longer let him push me around and take advantage of me.

While I have no problem of letting Hayley go with him more often than the "scheduled" time per the court's visitation order, I do not wish to send her on EVERY single "off" Saturday.

And I'm tired of every scheduled weekend of his calling me (like clock work) to see about coming to MY home and getting her BEFORE the allotted time because he "needs to come in to town and do a few things".

The one right above with his wanting to get her early is what broke the camel's back yesterday for me. I finally put my foot down on the subject and said enough is ENOUGH with getting her early every single weekend he is supposed to get her.

Basically, I said from now on it's at the SCHEDULED time, and at the SCHEDULED (and court appointed) place. No sooner. And I admitted that it was a habit that no longer will be tolerated. That is unless there is an EMERGENCY. I rarely ever pick her up or drop her off at HIS home. But he thinks I'll let him do it every single visitation weekend.

Needless to say. he wasn't too happy. And I told Hayley that if he brings it up and the fact that her mom is a "bitch" and hateful, to stop him dead in his tracks and that to no longer talk to HER about it because it's NONE of her business.

Yes, it concerns our daughter. But it doesn't mean that it concerns HER personally. And he has no right to drag her in to the middle. Let him be mad at me. But he has no right and no business to vent to her about it. She's only eleven.

Next weekend, if he calls to see about getting her to go to dinner or a movie on Saturday, I'll be okay with it. But again, I'll be pissing him off. Why? Because, it will then be known to him that I will only give him ONE extra Saturday a month.

Why? Because again, he tries to take advantage. He will and has been known to call me EVERY single "off schedule" Saturday to see about taking her out. Apparently I don't want to spend quality time on the weekends with her, too? Especially when all three kids are together.

I know that I may sound harsh, or even mean. But I wasn't given SOLE full, physical custody of our daughter for no particular reason. And with that, I'm the one that makes the FINAL decisions in regards to her care, safety and well being.

And to consistently call me every single weekend to either get her early because he is putting HIS wants and/or needs before his own child to constitutes to being very selfish, inconsiderate and honestly, immature.

I'm not trying to keep him away from her, or vice versa. But I too like having time to spend with her on the weekends as well. And especially now that on some weekends that she is with me, she spends the night at a friend's house, and is starting to not be as "clingy" to me as she was at the younger ages (like her six-year-old sister still is "needy" of Mama). Plus add in the school hours every week. So if wishing to spend time with ALL THREE of my children makes me a "bitch" or "hateful" in his eyes, then so be it.

Now that you have heard my rant, go over to FOR THE LOVE OF BLOGS and "wander" around. You will surely find other blogs of interest. It's a WONDERFUL community. And they also now have GROUPS, as well as CHAT ROOM access for MEMBERS to join.

Stupid Ex! Try Playing Me Again, Fool.

I swear, there are days that I wish the man would fall in to a fiery pit.

This is definitely one of those days, too.

We've been separated for almost eleven years and divorced for ten (papers arrived in my hands via mail on my birthday of 2000). My oldest child is the child from our marriage. And the ONLY good and positive thing that came from our hellish bond of matrimony.

This morning, my cell was on our night stand in my bedroom. After two calls that were about fifteen minutes apart, my husband brought my phone to me and I called back, thinking that Hayley needed me for something.

So, I called, and her father picks up. I asked if everything was okay, and this is when he proceeds to claim that our daughter wanted to ask me something. I was already prepared to say no, seeing as she has now had four straight weekends, plus two of them being connected by a full week over at his home,it was time for her to come home and stay home.

The only reason she is there this weekend is that for technical and legal reasons, this is his visitation weekend.

After getting her on the phone, I asked her what the question she wanted to ask me was, being that her dad said SHE wanted to ask me "something". Then a pause came and she then says she doesn't know what I'm speaking of and wanted to ask me nothing. So, I told her to put her dad on the line.

I told him that she had NO idea what I was talking about and that if HE has something to ask me, then do so HIMSELF.

Sure enough it was to see if she could stay a "few extra days". NOPE! Right off the bat. I told him she has to come home and spend time with her brother and sister.

It seems the more he realizes I see through his manipulations, the using of my kid that we share and his schemes, the more slick he tries to become.

And honestly, I think this is the lowest form of manipulation. The intentional placement of your child in the middle of their two parents as to hopefully gain what YOU want, not what the CHILD wants.

First it was automatically (without notice or permission) showing up at MY home to pick up or drop Hayley off (which is AGAINST court order, seeing as BOTH parties did NOT agree).

Then, it was wanting to get her "here and there" to take her to the movies. That now started becoming an every-other-week thing (on his 'off' weekends). I stopped letting it be a habit a few weeks ago.

Now, he is going to use our daughter as a scape goat and bold face LIE to me, as he uses her? I do not think so! That ends right here, right NOW.

He's playing with fire. And I can bet you 100%, the man WILL get burned. I know the crap he can be possible of. He can try to screw with me all he wants to.

But I REFUSE, flat out, to let him use my daughter and force her in to the middle.

Then again, I'm sure in her own way, she is starting to see what her "Sperm Donor" is REALLY like.

Monkey In The Middle (A Divorce Post)

Monkey In The Middle is a game that my husband and I play with our youngest, Skyler, who is six years old. If he and I are sitting on the couch or the floor, or laying in the bed and she wants to "snuggle-buggle", then she always says she is the "monkey in the middle". Skyler sometimes is, and other times is not the proverbial monkey. Sometimes, just to get her goat Scott or myself would be the monkey.

Sadly, I have had my oldest playing this game as well. She is the monkey in the middle that must go between her two parent's homes. I have full physical cusody, and always have. Her father gets visitations every other weekend and we alternate (major) holidays. Plus I personally set out three week blocks where she stays with him in one-week increments during the summer while school is out.

Plus, I give extra time even on their "off" weekends where I can and feel it's appropriate (to go to the movies, park, etc.).

No matter how bad he has been known to talk about me, cuss me and even go as far as calling me a slave driver (because in MY home she has chores, rules and consequences, whereas in HIS home, they don't exist), I still bend over backwards to give him more time with our daughter. Even when it is NOT stipulated to do so in our still-standing court order.

How Hayley has grown in to the young lady she has thus far, without resentment towards either of us has just blown me away.

For one thing, I NEVER talk ill of her father in front of her or to her.

Two, I don't make her go on those "off" days unless SHE wants to (at 11, she can now make her own mind up about extended stays and other 'extra' days to spend time with him).

Thirdly, she knows clearly what her expectations are in MY home.

Fourth, I don't pick fights with her father (in person or over the phone) over trivial things (i.e. the having/not having a TV in the bedroom debacle over the phone..I do *not* allow one in my kids' rooms, he says she has one there and that I am a bitchy, mean mom {in so many words} for not letting the kids, including HIS "kid" to have one in their rooms in *MY* home).

Fifth, I do my very best (most of the time) to be civil towards her father. Especially when Hayley is present.

Children of divorce are fragile on some levels. But are much more thick-skinned than most people realize and give these kids credit for. Look at all that THEY must put up with. Especially if the parents, for whatever reason cannot seem to get along on ANY level.

She's been going between myself and my ex-husband like this (for the most part over the years) since she was about two years old (was one-day visits from infancy until two years due to some legal issues and other things I cannot get in to here; maybe a later post).

We split (as in I walked out with a few things we needed in hand and never looked back) when she was five months old. By then I had a "friend" in my life that treated me RIGHT, the way I should have been treated all along and this person cared enough about me and my daughter that the sister even helped me get out and let me and my then-five-month old daughter stay with her and her family.

Yes, there are times that Hayley does the "I want to live with my daddy!" routine. As soon as I say that I know it's because he is the "no-rules-do whatever you want-without consequences" parent, she hushes up and walks off.

I guess he has yet to learn, especially now that she is a preteen (or shall we say Tween, seeing that's the 'norm' these days), he cannot be her friend. Not now. She needs PARENTS that will lay down the law and set those morals and values to solidly cement within before it's too late.

Sure! She will at some point (more than likely) try to experiment with drugs and alcohol, or even cigarettes. And (God forbid) seriously think of having sex. But all I can do now is try my best up until those years NOW to lay the foundation to keep away from those types of things and avoid problems down the road with them.

But then again, when you are the "Monkey In The Middle" with two parenting styles within two different home environments, it can get confusing of which way to turn. So I am planning to just keep doing what I'm doing and hope for the best down the road.

No one said being the parent of a "divorce" child was easy!