I'm Not, I can't

I act happy. But I'm not.

I sound excited. But I'm not.

I say that I'm ready to. But I'm not.

I say that it's indeed time. But for me, it's not.

The tears I try to choke back and hide lay beneath the surface. Like a raging water fall. It feels like the first time all over again. In what seems like the not-too-distant past.

She is growing up. I can't stop it.

She is maturing. I can't stop it.

Before I know it, she will be out in the vast world on her own. Not too many years left. And the years that are bygone, as are the ones to come, have passed or will pass as a thief in the night, all too quickly.

Now, Middle School years are upon us. She is no longer a little girl. Not yet a "young woman", but caught in the middle.

The smile, chuckles and the silly exclamations from me are just a facade. My way of coping with the realities of life as a mother to a girl who is growing rapidly before my eyes.

Inside, I rage. My heart hurts. I wonder if so far I have REALLY given it my all to her, and indeed gave her the tools she will need for the next chapter of her life.

In the end though, I can't let her go. I'm not ready.

Since You Left

Since the time you left, we still wonder what could have been

We wonder who you would take after, who you would more like be within

The years stroll by with barely a care

But in that time, within our hearts, you are still there

We miss you, we love you

Not too far off may you be

But deep down it seems that its eternity before we once again meet

So until that day, you stay safe and warm

For within Grandma's arms are you adorned

She has you for now until the day that we will finally meet face-to-face

Daddy and I had so many plans

But for now we just hold your heart in our hands

May you have joy this Christmas Season with the Savior that we celebrate

One day soon my dear, we too will meet you at the Pearly Gates

Then forever more, we shall rejoice together, with our Lord

*Dedicated to Michael Gregory C....May you be resting and playing with the other Angel Babies this Christmas Season*